#19 "S" The Life of A Victor

I cried while watching Mockingjay Part 2 today. (Major Spoiler alert if you haven't watched or read it...)

Not Katniss and Primm danced.
Not when Finnick died.
Not when Primm died.
Not when Katniss let Gale go.
And not even when Katniss held her baby and talked about how to overcome nightmares. 

All of those were touching moments, but they didn't move me like the scene between Effie and Katniss when they say goodbye. Not because they were parting but because of these words exchanged between them...

"I hope you find it." "Find what?" Katniss asks. "The life of a victor," Effie responds.

Katniss didn't feel like a victor when Effie said that. Katniss had a choice of how to live in victory even though Primm was gone, even though she didn't know how to move forward she still chose to.

20 years later I still make that choice of living even though my mom is gone. 20 years later I still make the choice that life can be lived in victory even though there have been parts of it that didn't feel like it. My mom could have lived in victory but she chose not to. That's is probably the hardest sentence I've ever written because I know she wanted to. I know she thought she was choosing to live in victory, but the truth is she struggled. She struggled with finding a life of victory rather than pieces of victory. But pieces of victory isn't what Christ came to give us. He came to give us the whole stinking thing. The whole life as a victor. We can live in victory because of what Christ has done for us. Victory in our relationships. Victory in our hearts. Victory even in our struggles. Victory even when we don't feel like it. Because truly, that scene was all about moving forward when you don't feel like it. That scene of Katniss and Effie wouldn't be the one that that show as the victory moment of the movie. But it holds more victory than the moment that she shot the arrow into Coin's heart. It wouldn't be the scene where you walk out of the movie and think, "she won...now let's all go home and live happily ever after" but it is the scene that led to those other scenes. How many of those scenes do we face each day? Those scenes where you chose to respond in love when everything in you wants to yell and scream at somebody or something? Those scenes where you don't want to meal plan and go grocery shopping and do the laundry and grade papers and just plain be responsible but you do anyway? Those scenes matter more than you know because they set you up for the movie scenes that make the highlight reel and you need all of them to make it a good story.

So that's why this scene made me cry. Because it was all heart. It was the moment where you get to chose how to move forward and do you it, even though you don't feel like it. You do it because you know the rest of the story and it is a story of victory. Go live it.

#18 "S" I'm Going to Start Liking Running More

Not the actual running, I already love that. But the posts that people have about running, even though I probably will never be able to run those distances again someday. It's hard. It's hard to know that I have the drive and the passion and the discipline and...everything but the feet to run that long again. And for a while I was happy because I went from not being able to run at all, so every little mile felt like victory. But now, I'm in that ungrateful part. The part where I want more and I see those that have more. And yet I am going to get over myself and start liking their posts.

Because... there are brokenhearted and lonely people that like my posts about how in love I am with my husband.

Because ...there are people that have never gone to Disney World and still like when I post about going on California Screaming.

Because ...there are people that long to road trip and travel in the summer and never get to and like my posts about driving all the way to Cape Hatteras.


Because ...there are people out there that have lost their children from cancer, accidents, health problems, war, miscarriages...and other tragedies and still like my posts about my kids having a great basketball game.

I say this not so that we don't post our celebrations and joys in life but that we start joining in others celebrations more. Because lets be honest, we all have our something that is hard to like. Not because we don't like it but because we love it...and those my friends are the hardest. But those are the ones that I think are going to change us from wishing it was us to truly celebrating somebody else.

#17 S "Inspired by Inside Out"...

Today I...

Held Baby Daniel. And took a picture with him.

Grateful

#16 S "Capturing the fullness of grateful"

I went to Inside Out at the cheap-o theater with Micah for his aliens day night. The day had some unexpected turns and I knew he needed some special time to feel like we were truly celebrating him.

I didn't expect it to hit me like it did. That's what is so amazing about timing in life. I think if I would have watched this movie a week ago it wouldn't have had the impact that it did. But I didn't watch it a week ago, I watched it on Saturday with Micah. On his aliens day. And for that I was so grateful.

I was grateful because I got to visually SEE how we are made up of the fullness of our emotions.

I was grateful because I got to cry when Bing-Bong "died". Not because he died but because of HOW he died. That he jumped out and knew his sacrifice would save Joy...and ultimately Riley.

I was grateful because Micah said after the movie, "I would do what Bing-Bond did for my kids. And for Audrey." What a kid. What a heart.

I was grateful because our memories aren't just isolated in one emotion but instead God creates us as the wholeness of who we are. He creates us to have fear and anger and joy and disgust and sadness. And we need all of those. I used to think we had to choose. We don't. We need to live in the fullness of who God has created us and sometimes sadness is the one who has to step in and save us. Sometimes we just need to cry. And that is what connects us to others.

I was grateful because I saw that you can actually not have compassion for others if you are in "joy mode" and not taking care of others. Empathy. Joy thought she was all Riley needed and yet she found out in the end that it was just the opposite. Only sadness could stop Riley from running away.

I was grateful because I got to talk to Micah about what his "islands" were...Family, Batman, Movies, God...and I got to reflect on what my islands were. And I saw my life through a different lens than ever before.

I was grateful because I saw the incredible value of scrapbooking and why that gives us "core memories". I know I would have remembered the night on the bridge in Wisconsin Dells last summer without pictures but dang every time I look at the picture of Jeremy and I on the bridge that night my heart soars. Every time.  And every time I look at the boys running away from the ocean waves for the first time. Heart soars. And every time I look at the picture of Micah in his carseat with the Thomas the Train tracks on his blanket that Aidan gave him I melt. Every time.

Keep taking pictures. Keep capturing. Keep telling stories. Keep facing the sad. Keep admitting what you feel. Keep learning. Keep growing. Keep being the wholeness of who you are. 

That is a message I needed to hear on Saturday night and need to hear every night. So, so grateful for a boy who needed special time with me that night, because I was blessed more than I imagined. Funny how that happens...God's timing is so great. Capture it.