#20- Lentils and A Party of 4

New Year's Eve. And we are staying home. I actually haven't left the house all day. Just took a shower at 5:30 tonight because I decided that I needed to get dressed for some reason.

We decided we were staying home and just being as a family. I know it's best. I decided this hours ago. But what I am realizing about myself is how many times I have to keep "re-deciding" and trusting the decision I made. And that is just silly. I spend entirely too much time on these types of decisions in life. And it is time to grow.

And so I am 'saying it out loud' because if there is anything I have learned it is that once I realize and reflect on something about myself the root only takes place if I 'plant it' (I understand that metaphor even if nobody else does :)).

We are staying home.

We are a party as a family of 4.

We can eat lentils and bread for dinner.

Special is what you make it.

Time to go grab my boy and make that "Auld Lang Syne" canvas for the kitchen.

You were a great year 2014. I'm thankful I got to live it. 

In the words of my mom..."Life is a gift. To live is an opportunity. To grow old a privilege".  

I'm older than last year. Privilege.

#19 "Nothing to say really"

Yesterday my cousin called me twice. Not that this is unusual, sometimes we talk and/or leave messages several times a day with each other. We have nicknamed our voice mail actual therapy. But the reason I write this is because on the second voice mail she said, "I have nothing to say, I just missed you and was running errands and wanted you to be with me as I did." Love that.

Love that in the last year I have embraced the idea of being. Love that I am sitting here right now with a fireplace going and I've learned the importance of embracing the in-between of life. Love that I grabbed the book "Overcoming Overload" that embraces the idea of how God built us to live a life that we recharge, renew, reflect, revive, relax, and restore. I get it. You don't have to tell me twice that we need to fight for that in our lives. We have chosen our whole careers around that idea. We have chosen to return to our roots for months at a time. And you know what happens when you start to live that way? You keep living that way.

In the past year I have had more campfires than ever. I have had stillness.I have had craziness. I have been mentally refreshed and been mentally a whirlwind. I have held tight. I have let go. I have been compassionate. I have been the queen of stubborn.  I have caught myself time and time again realizing what I am saying and how I am acting isn't who I want to become. It's humbling. But sometimes I also catch myself being more of who I do want to be. And I think what the heart of what I have learned in the year of "become" is that there is going to be a lot of junk in me and there is going to be a lot of victory.

Like when you are crabby at the person at the breakfast burrito place because you are stinking hungry, want to be on the road, and you can see your food sitting there waiting for you. Junk.

Like Christmas Eve night when you sing songs to your boy before bed when tucking him in. And after you pray he responds with a prayer of his own from the heart. Victory.

Like when you stop for breakfast after driving through the night and you are tired and an ice storm has hit and you order cinnamon rolls and enjoy time together no matter what. Another victory.

Like when you yell at your husband in Walmart because you are trying to buy jeans for your son and he takes your other son to go look at electronics (to help you out, but instead you assume that he is just leaving you to make your job harder). More junk.

You embrace both. You refine. You reflect. And as I sit here "with nothing to say really" I hope that I continue to embrace both. I hope that I understand it the bit by bit moments and how you respond to them that continue to create who you become. I'm pretty sure I'm going to keep having both failures and victories in life. I'm pretty sure I am going to keep learning.

Pretty sure that is why God does this life with us. Step by step. Bit by bit.

#18 Sometimes by step

If I wasn't giving away all of these Velveteen Rabbit books right now and reflecting on how my word has impacted who I want to be so much I might not of caught it.

But I am reflecting.
But I am thinking about who I want to be.
But I am embracing that this whole process of bit by bit is a gift.

And so when Micah asked me what my favorite song was the other night I didn't hesitate for a second, I said, "Sometimes By Step" by Rich Mullins. We played it at our wedding and it has been the song that every time I hear it I still stop and listen.

Sometimes the night was beautiful
Sometimes the sky was so far away
Sometimes it seemed to stoop so close
You could touch it but your heart would break
Sometimes the morning came too soon
Sometimes the day could be so hot
There was so much work left to do
But so much You'd already done
Oh God, You are my God
And I will ever praise You
Oh God, You are my God
And I will ever praise You
And I will seek You in the morning
And I will learn to walk in Your ways
And step by step You'll lead me
And I will follow You all of my days
Sometimes I think of Abraham
How one star he saw had been lit for me
He was a stranger in this land
And I am that, no less than he
And on this road to righteousness
Sometimes the climb can be so steep
I may falter in my steps
But never beyond Your reach
Oh God, You are my God
And I will ever praise You
Oh God, You are my God
And I will ever praise You
I will seek You in the morning
And I will learn to walk in Your ways
And step by step You'll lead me
And I will follow You all of my days
And I will follow You all of my days
And I will follow You all of my days
And step by step You'll lead me
And I will follow You all of my days
And I will follow You all of my days
(Sometimes the night was beautiful)
(And I will follow You all of my days)
Sometimes the night, it was beautiful
(Sometimes the night was beautiful)
(And I will follow You all of my days)
Oh no, so beautiful
(Sometimes the night was beautiful)
(And I will follow You all of my days)

(And I will follow You all of my days)
(And I will follow You all of my days)
Oh God, you are my God
(And I will follow You all of my days)
Oh God, you are my God
(And I will follow You all of my days)
(And I will follow You all of my days)
Sometimes the night was beautiful
(And I will follow You all of my days)
Sometimes the night
(And I will follow You all of my days)

Learn to walk in your ways. Seriously God? Why not run? Why not have this thing down and don't have to learn? Why follow? 

All things that are by no means my natural "Rachel" response. I want to run. I want to check it off my list. And I want to lead. 

But you say step by step. You say sometimes. You say ever praise You.  That is the heart of my word, "Become" this year...to invest in the process. I have even changed my whole grading practice to reflect that, but I still fight it my own self. 

And this whole Christmas season has reminded me of the importance that not everything (yeah..., let's just say hardly any of it) is practical. Wrap presents? Just to throw away the paper? Put up a tree? Just to take it down? Shop for presents for somebody so you can exchange gifts with them? It's all quite silly. But it is who we want to become. People who celebrate. People who don't live life day by day because it is the most practical way to do it. It's not all about efficiency. 

Sometimes it is about living life. Embrace that. And follow all of your days. 

Step.

By.
Step.  

;)