#12 and beyond "P" My fall Heart

My fall has been filled with more busy than ever, but I have stopped to capture life in notes when I can. And I am so thankful I did. Because now I can look back and see the work that God is doing...and in the life He has blessed me with. So, although I was "way behind" (which I never actually believe is possible...there is no such thing as being behind...there is just life...and no matter when you capture it...it is good for the heart to reflect). So here are my thoughts...the mushy, the honest, the easy, the hard, the busy, the honest...


8-17-2017
Mushy mom post...so as my kids get older I have tried really hard to honor social media for them and not embarrass or overshare. But every once I know I need to let the world know how awesome I think they are and how I feel about them. Last night while they were at youth group I went in their rooms and made their beds and you know did the "mom thing" that moms do in their kids rooms, and I stopped and cried. Not because I don't want them to grow up...I do. Not because I miss them and don't have the time with them that I used to...I don't. But because their mine. In the whole wide world of kids...these are the ones God has chosen for me. I know them. They drive me crazy. They make me laugh. In the end, they make me a better me. And when you have people like that in your life you stop and have a cry every once in a while because you are so thankful. 

9-27-2017 
So, I'm  not a watch a tv or Netflix series type of girl. I've tried, but when I'm honest I love movies. And for whatever reason I love the ones that are deep...the ones that tug your heart and make you cheer and cry. You know those ones.
But I can't sit down and watch a whole movie at once because most of the time I only a snip of time. And so that's what I have been doing, and it's such a different way to watch a movie than from beginning to end. And it's been so good for my soul.
Here's why. Sometimes I have to pause the movie when the character has lost hope. Sometimes when I'm at a pause, I end up thinking about what I hope is going to happen next.
It gives me hope. Not because I am at the end of the story but because when I pause "Pursuit of Happyness" and he's had to sleep in the bathroom in the subway for the night, or he has $14 to live on for the month, I know the story doesn't end there.
And that is so true of our own lives too. Sometimes if we hit "pause" and look around we might wonder where is the hope? What is next in the story? And then we get to hit "play" again and we get glimpses of it. We realize we have the amazing privilege of a new day. We get to love our husband and kids better than we did yesterday. We get to be on an airplane and fly over the clouds, and go be with family to celebrate a life well lived by an 87 year old together. We get to breathe. We get to stop at have lunch with our teenage son and just sit and talk face to face.
Just like movies, our story is so much more than just the moment we hit pause. It's all of it. And thank Jesus that our stories aren't over yet.
And so I am thankful for my crazy snips I can learn from, both in movies and in my life. And let this be the reminder to be true to who you are, and have your eyes open to what God is trying to teach you in it.

10-15-2017 
Ahh weekend life...I wanted to complain about how I spent the majority of my weekend working at a swim meet, but after a heart check I was reminded that these weekends that feel exhausting are what give us depth of life. My ‘on this day’ from the past years was filled with swim meets, slurpees, and Speech day celebrations. And this weekend despite ‘no time’ we had date night, coffee on the porch, a campfire, time with family, and yoga. We are blessed...we might be tired and not have our laundry or grading done. But it is ok. 

10-19-2017

I’ve been reading “Present Over Perfect” this last year and as I read the chapter today titled ‘On Jesus’, I couldn’t help but realize how our discussion this week about attachment and our faith aligned perfectly.

I love how Shauna Niequist shares about her fears of being alone, “I used to be afraid that I was hollow somehow, my whole life was an elaborate attempt at never having to be alone with myself”.  Then she continues to share how her journey of laying down performance and resting in Jesus has made wholeness possible, “you realize you don’t need a shell at all. The inside is strong and secure, and doesn’t need to be shielded by those other things-performance, proving, busyness. There is nothing left to be shed, and at the Center is strength, gratitude, Jesus” (2016). 

I too have walked this path of finding wholeness in Jesus over performance. I know that our attachment to Him will allow us to ‘shed’ all of those other attachments and heal past wounds and hurts. I know we can find hope, and even when we have reasons why we have attachment issues we can find transformation in Christ. 

Anyone else relate? Or have stories or verses to share in regards to this? Hoping this encourages you, I know it did for me. (Great read by the way, if you have time).

10-21-2017
October 21st, 2016

Right now.
Right now I’m riding in a bus on my way to Mount Vernon and The Sun is pouring in while I’ll being filled with Worship music.
Right now I miss my boys and wish I could have them next to me and cuddle up.
Right now I know that Jesus in me gives me a spirit to love when all else in me wants to live for me. He’s changed me and gives me more to give away.
Right now I believe God is good.
Right now Jeremy is taking Micah to swim practice and I feel more grateful than ever.
Right now I believe that I don’t have to fight, I can trust and live without fear.
Right now I know that I can move or I can stay and we will thrive either way because who we are won’t change. We have love. We have Jesus.
Right now I am thankful for trees and wish we had more by us.
Right now I’m not worried about all that I need to do, I’m Present...physically and mentally.
Right now it is 7:49 am in Virginia and I am riding on a bus looking out the window at the sunshine, trees, and water......................
Right now it’s 9:23 pm and I’m riding in a bus again. I’m wanting my own space, some wine, and to sleep. But it’s ok...I know it will come. I know it was good to miss all that which I slowly take for granted when I have it day after day. I’m growing in the process, being ok with everything not being what I want in the exact moment I’m in.
Right now Aidan is playing basketball and I’m missing it.
Right now my students are singing along to All Star while I’m trying to listen to my own music and so I let go and I am just letting it make me smile that they are still this innocent and I can enjoy it.
Right now I’m really wanting my own food.
Right now I know why I said yes to coming back to DC. even though I’ve been here already. Because there are stories behind every memorial, behind every war, every news story. And they remind me to get to know everyone’s story. They remind me to be crazy grateful for my story. They remind me that we all come together in our brokenness and desire for hope.
..............
Right now.It’s 8:02 am, back on the bus and sun is still pouring in.
Right now I’m reminded why I got married at 18, when everything in me tries to prove I’m independent. Because just because I can figure it out, doesn’t mean it’s best. And Jeremy has given me so much better in life than life independently. He helps me live the line from Hitch, “what if fine isn’t good enough?”. And I want more than fine in my life. He gives me more.
Right now I want to find the right attitude and choices on how to handle being so tired and so grateful at the same time.
Right now I’m wondering how I’m going to make it tomorrow, and yet not worrying about it at the same time.
Right now I’m wondering how to do today well so I can do the next day well and the day after that...and the day after that.



11-20-2017 
He’s been asking for months. He wanted to go say hi to his old teachers at Montessori. And truth is it’s not convenient, at all. To try to get him and get to the school before 3 meant I was going to have to make a sacrifice and give up some planning. So I did. I left work early and surprised him, only to find out he surprised me. After he went around and said hi to his teachers i couldn’t find where he disappeared to. So I made my best possible guess and headed down to Miss Jennifer’s to find him there writing a heartfelt note to her. I couldn’t help but peak at it and as I did I was reminded why I gave up my planning today. Because it always gets done, because there never is a convenient time to be inconvenienced. But to invest in what matters. There is always time for that. Time to tell people how special they are. Time to leave notes for people. Time to stop what has to be done to invest in that which is good for the heart and soul. He is my reminder of that more than I know. And I am so thankful for the gift that “selah”...to stop and listen that Micah reminds me of then my logical side tries to win.

#11 "P" How are you?

How are you doing? I've been asked that question more than ever in the last two weeks and so I have to lean into the fullness of it right now. I didn't even know I needed to figure this out until I had to hold up on my fingers between 1-10 how I was and I realized I had to be ok with not being a 10. Because I find a lot of pride in being a 10. I find a lot of pride in being strong and finding the good and joy in everyday. And I still can, but I can do it when I am a 4 too. It is ok. That permission isn't one I have learned in life and so I am learning it at 40 a little bit more...

I am sore from shoveling yesterday.

I am excited that I get to meet baby Kate.

I am super happy we won the kickball tournament. Silly but true.

I am heartbroken that teens lose hope and end their lives, and shock a community. I wonder how can they feel just enough hope to hold on? What more can we do and how?

I am thankful for a weekend with my family to rest and work and be together.

I am sick of having to figure out grocery shopping and meals and planning and wish it would just magically appear done in my life.

I am angry at the kids that tear down other kids. Especially when it comes to sports and team placement and trying to determine other people's worth.

I am sad that I didn't listen to Grandpa Goossen more this summer when I was with him, because we always assume there will be more time to do that, and then you get the unexpected phone call that someone has died. And it is so real that you can't take it for granted.

I am happy that I stopped at Grandpa's house with Micah when we went biking and took time to invest in saying hello.

I am missing being outside. I always can't get enough of this.

I am sad that Jenn is moving. I haven't let this be real yet, but soon it will be. I am sad for Jeremy and sad for my boys. I am sad that we don't have family near us after this.

I am scared that I am going to get old and look back and have regrets. I want to be honest and real now about what I want life to be and go after that...not with my career or goals but with my dreams and with the people that I care about.

I am figuring out how to be a student and a teacher and a mom and a wife. Always, always, important.

I am missing teaching my college class, even though it makes space for other things in my life and gives me a night back with my family. It was my creation and my ideas and I was really good at it. But I am trusting it will come back again when the time is right.

I am wondering how to do stay healthy for the long haul. I know it is more than going out and pushing your body, just the opposite actually. It is more yoga and walking and investment in how I want to be at 60, not just today. But where does running and swimming and other movement fit in there? I am wondering how to look at the whole a little more.

I am wishing that I had more time for slow. I am coming up for air and trying to learn to rest before work, but wow is it sometimes crazy scary to wonder how it will all get done. But it does, and then it reaffirms that trust is the right choice.

Trust. That's the best answer right now. I am trusting. Trusting God, trusting my husband, trusting my family, trusting my co-workers, and trusting the process. I am realizing that I don't have to be just one thing or hold up my fingers in a meeting and say I am a 10. I can trust that if I say I'm a "4" and start crying, it is okay to show my humanity. I trust that actually makes for me to be more of who God wants me to be.

I don't have to be a 10 everyday. I trust in every season and no matter how I am today doesn't change who God is. Ever. I trust that, I do. And so my answer is...

How are you doing? I am trusting that God is good and I am loved.

"#10" P Summer "Says"...

So...

On August 9th of 2015 I posted that there was 23 hours and 50 minutes till I go back to work. And now it's another summer of lessons learned and there is always more to say...

On August 10th of 2016 at 12:10 am in the morning  I couldn't sleep. I had 55 hours and 48 minutes until I had go back and every time I faced this moment I realize the gift that time is. Whether it is is 10 minutes or 24 hours. Or 6 days or 3 years. It's all a gift.

It's now August 11, 2017 at 10:01 on Friday night and I hear the rustling of Aidan playing Legos, I'm waiting for Micah to get home from being out with friends and Jeremy and I just got back from date #3987 of the summer...out on the patio at Lucha by Clemet park.

And this is my favorite way to remember the gift of summer and the gift of time.

So here it goes...

Do I say that when I was cutting up strawberries with my Aunt Shelley I saw what it meant to live in the moment and that you never know when you get those moments with people? Especially when they have faced cancer and struggled.

Do I say that summer mornings reading our Bibles and connecting on the front porch is the most amazing gift our marriage could have?

Do I say that connecting with others is who I want to be? And summer gives me the reminder of how important that is to do face to face and heart to heart?

Do I say that when I went to Disney and the old lady in the line next to me at Disney shared her heart and loss of her husband I looked down and saw Jeremy and me standing side by side and I got it? I got that having someone by your side is the greatest gift there is.

Do I say that going to New York was so magical in so many ways? To watch the clouds at Central Park and eat in Little Italy was was people did in movies...and it was the life we were living. And I didn't deserve any of it.

Do I say that Jeremy got in the water with me at Catlina to snorkel and I know the fear that he had to face to put on the wetsuit? And he did because he loves me that much.

Do I say that usually I lose weight in the summer and this summer I didn't? And it was because I decided it is more important to be healthy on the inside and in relationships with those around you than being in perfect shape.

Do I say that I had to sit on the side of the pool because my foot was so ripped up from getting my warts burned and I learned a little bit more of how to accept life and enjoy what you can instead of focus on what sucks?

Do I say that I realized when Sara got breast cancer and had to have surgery that it was a tough reminder that you never know what life will bring and sometimes you don't have time to prepare and process you just have to face it?

Do I say that putting Emmi to sleep was both beautiful and hard? And that I journaled after it and started with the statement, "I never wanted a dog". And it was the beautiful reminder to give and you can see the beauty it brings to so many when you aren't just concerned about yourself.

Do I say that when I got the news that Aidan couldn't play in Utah I lost faith for a little bit? I saw only the moment we were in and I was so sad and angry. But I prayed and had hope and when he played the next day I had so much more joy because of it.

Do I say that sharing my story with Erica at Mike's wedding was the reminder that we connect with others in our brokenness? And because I did she shared with me in an amazing way that would have never happened otherwise.

Do I say that I love Wisconsin and I hate leaving every summer? But I didn't fight it and I knew that going home was what needed to be done in that moment to care for my family best.

Do I say that going to Mall of America was so stinking fun and I love that we could be at that place with the boys and just enjoy it?

Do I say that every time I live out of a bin for a month I realize what matters and I don't want so much stuff in life? But then I get home and lose perspective all over again.

Do I say that I miss doing art this summer but I have learned that the moment doesn't define the whole? Time for that will come and right now I have to do schoolwork and invest in other gifts.

Do I say that I love slow mornings more and more and trust that just because I'm not getting up at 5:30 to workout I am missing out? I am letting each season be the best it can be.

Do I say that yoga has been healing for me and Jeremy in ways that I didn't ever imagine? And I am so thankful for the reminder to take time in this together.

Do I say that waking Micah up the morning after we got back after California was so so sweet? And I hope that I can have a heart like...to have the first thing I am concerned about to  be getting someone their birthday present when I see them.

Do I say that I totally blew it with Nate and Amber and Christmas and I think it is the reminder to take better care of people and not take them for granted?

Do I say that I woke up to Birthday texts from my boys and that was more important than a million people party?

Do I say that I know I have so, so, so much more than I deserve and my heart change in this is truly who I wan to be?

...

Do I say that it is now 8/20 at 10:26 at night and back to school reality has hit? But at the same time I have embraced the mantra that 'It always gets done' and somehow this weekend... we cleaned the house Friday after school, I had a campfire all Friday night, I slept in Saturday, I drank coffee on the porch, I went for a morning walk with Jeremy, I went to the airport to get Nate, I went to Aidan's bb tryouts, I went to jumpstreet, I went to Viewhouse, I had omlets, I went swimming, I watched Clone Wars with Aidan...AND I got all my homework done without freaking out. Do I say this is such a better way to live than fake resting and worrying all the time about yourself and how your needs will get met?

Do I say that living life isn't about a whole bunch of cute quotes but living authentically in grace, forgiveness, and love. It is about living with real and then accepting everyone else's real too.

Do I say that I'm scared that my boys are getting older and I'm going to miss it if I don't stop and be with them right now in this moment because it is what is given to me? And yet I know that life is not to be lived in fear but in the beauty that we designed for a lifetime not just a day.

Do I say that I am fearful every time I take the helm of the sailboat but this is the only way I am going to learn how to do hard things? By doing them.

Do I say that I have never been so chill about going back to work and because of that it has been so much better for everyone?

Do I say that yoga and walking is a whole new way to workout and be healthy but it is so much more for the long haul and not just a quick fix for the moment?

Do I say that I think I always want more but when I step back and look at all I have I get the perspective and reminder I need?

Or do I just rest in the word pleres?

To live life fully. Not on my own, but IN Him.

I had no idea when I chose that word the depth of what Jesus had in store for me, but wow. I am so glad that living fully isn't about living with MORE, quite the opposite actually. It's about living with heart and soul and remembering how to have a life that has  meaning. And all the yuck and garbage and hard that God wants us to give to Him. Just give.

And trust.

And then repeat. Give and trust.

And that my friend is how you find a full life...on August 20th or November 20th or any day that you wake up to each moring.

Go...live fully in Him.That's what I want to say.

#7 "P" Life

Tonight if I was to post Facebook updates I would want to say all of this...

I love that when a friend stopped over to ask Micah to play he said no because he had already promised Aidan that they would hang out together. He chose his brother.

I love my students noticed that I didn't wear crazy leggings on Thursday and called me out on it.

I love that there is so much sunshine right now. It is such a reminder of how sunshine in life always comes, no matter what the season.

....never posted this when I wrote it originally but I can always add to it.

So here's life on 6-24-2017

I love that Micah is life giving to me and if I don't stop and see it I will miss it. I will yell at him for not being ready for his swim meet perfectly as I said he should and I will little by little tear him down. Don't be that person. Instead be the one who says lets walk and find something to eat. And I get blessed out of it and we go to Ali-Baba!! Let's sit at Chick-Fil-a and have a shake instead of take it to-go. Let's watch a movie together and cuddle. Let's not miss life because I worry about getting to a stupid swim meet warm up on time. Ugh. Such a better story to tell today than that one.

I love that I can find joy in the simple blessings of walking, swimming, and doing yoga at home. You truly never appreciate what you have until you lose it.

I love that I am finding that connecting with others is so much more than Facebook and it can be community through texting and sharing prayer requests and praises.

I love that Aidan got to go be part of his team. Totally worth it.

#9 "P" On terrace, coupons, and some basketball games...aka Mothers Day

2017. 365 days since the last mothers day. And so much growth in that time. In me and in my boy.
Last year I wrote about how much he hurt me and thought about himself. This year he worked on my gift, in school, ahead of time and he disappeared into the office and said he had to finish something. He reappeared with a sheet of coupons for going out to my favorite restaurants together. 

This year Jeremy asked me what I wanted and I told him outdoor lights and a campfire and we went to Imperial instead...and it was perfect. 

This year I cheered for my boy at his basketball game and it was honestly the most proud of him I have ever been...not because he won (he didn't) and not because he made shots. Because he mentally pushed through. He made a shot while he was crying. He melted down at halftime and came back and kept shooting. He learned that there is so much more to a game than the end score...

Just like I am learning.

So much to say about that. So much to learn that it isn't about the performance. So much to learn that it isn't about the points but it is about growing and learning. And sometimes even failing. 

Ugh...that word. Failure. It's so extreme. It makes it sound like it is all a loss, but failure is so much more than a win or a loss. It's about what you do with it. 

"8" P Bagel On Hold

One of the sweetest things my Aidan has even done for me was tonight. I've been sick. Was up coughing last night and slept on the couch. He said I should sleep in the basement and made the bed up for me. Didn't eat his bagel that he just toasted.

Stopped and cared.

What a blessing. What a reminder.

#6" P Birthday Brat in all of us take 2.

Birthdays. Gotta love 'em. Gotta grow from them.

They are this amazing reminder that we are loved, we are celebrated, we are special, and...we are all brats too.

Last year I wrote all about what a rough birthday Aidan had because he didn't get Instagram. This year it's the same story different kid.

Micah didn't want to get up early for a swim meet on his birthday. He had decided this month's ago and so when the time came he was determined to be miserable and focus on it. And so he did. He DQ'd on events that he normally doesn't. He was off and it was because he had already decided that it was a bad day and not what he wanted before it even began.

He forgot that he already got to skip a day of school for his birthday and go out with his aunt and uncle. He forgot that his party was in a week from now because he wanted to go to the Lego Batman movie and it was worth waiting for.

He forgot just like we all do. And my kids are this awsome tangible reminder of lessons God still wants to teach me.

Stop forgetting and stop being so impatient.

Remember and wait. 2 powerful words that we struggle with whether we are 11 or 39.

And so I hope the birthday brat in me...which honesty is already showing up because when you turn 40 you feel entitled to certain things...can remember to wait.

Or I might just have to go back and read this again. And again.

#5 "P" Space Balls instead of Bingo

Birthday party for teenager check.

Never been able to say that before. And to be honest it was too easy. It showed me visibly how it won't me long until they wave goodbye and are more independent than ever.

For Faith's birthday this year we played Bingo, ate cake pops, and did everything together.

For Aidan's birthday this year his friends were the center of it all and I watched. With this crazy weird heart combined with joy and sadness. I didn't go to Jumpstreet with him. I didn't play xbox with him. I saw him celebrate without me and I knew it was exactly as it should be. But honestly I wasn't as ready for it as I thought I was. And I saw it's probably going to be a long time until I am part of his party again.

And I am totally ok with that and totally not all at the same time. That's what being a mom is all about. This letting go and holding on all at the same time. I remember when we used to make Mickey Mouse birthday cakes and go to open gym and play with them. I know birthday celebrations won't look like that for a long time if ever...and so I ask myself, now what? If that's true then how do I celebrate life with them? How do I embrace? How do I get to be part of their lives instead of an observer?

I go on field trips.

I cuddle.

I take ever boy moment I have.

Because it's not long until birthdays will be boys out of the house and in college and I will long for days where they will be in my living room watching Space Balls with their friends.

#4 "P" Input

Input. Super challenged by this word lately. And if I'm honest I have been for a while. I know I'm "eating" junk and I know it takes more time to invest in "home cooked" meals...but really it's not about what is easy. It never is. It's about how you feel after you eat junk vs. after you eat a home cooked meal. That's what makes you decide it's worth it to do what is hard but worth it.

So...I'm listening to more podcasts. I'm clicking on social media a little less. I'm just sitting still when I have a moment to spare. Yep really I am. I'm reading a book after school when I get home and turning on the fireplace and drinking tea. I'm taking a nap. I'm watching movies. I'm reading blogs. I'm spending the first minutes of my drive everyday in prayer. I'm not thinking "must be nice" when I see other people's lives but instead being inspired that I can choose to make those things happen in my life too. I'm going to the gym and taking time to develop my "little muscles".

The thing about input is this. It's a choice.

We think we have no time but we have more than ever. We think we have to consume but we don't. We can be in a place where we choose what we input into our lives. We can stop buying, eating, listening, reading crap. We can go back to whole food input in all of our lives. It just means we might have to be a little more patient, a little less reactive, and a lot more honest. But who doesn't want that?

So...here's to choosing to input life into our lives rather than junk. And the first thing I need to input is more sunshine. Literally. Time to start walking more. Outside. Because nobody is going to do if for me.

And on that note it's time to input connection to others as well. Because saying "I never see you anymore or I haven't seen you in forever"  isn't the interaction I want to have with people.

Bottom line. Listen. Sunshine. Connect. Go.

#4 "P" Face your Yuck

Listening to this right now...and letting myself be filled because if I'm honest I'm stinking empty right now. It's  been a week of admitting some deep yuck about my life. It's been a week of realizing that I am selfish. It's been a week of realizing that I no matter how many books I read or podcasts I have listened to lately I still struggle with proving that I can do it all on my own. But even worse I choose to do it my own because then I'm not accountable to anyone. That's such yuck and selfishness that I thought was gone. But silly me I am finding that it's not something that I just have "gone" but something that I surrender day after day. After day. After. Day. 

And then I wake up and see sunrises and go for walks hand in hand with my love and eat tacos and watch Friends and see that life has hope and healing. Always, even when you face your yuck. Especially when you face your yuck. And that is something to celebrate. 

And today I trusted that I don't have to fill myself...instead the filling comes when I trust. Not in my myself...quite the opposite. 

"In God We Trust"

Overwhelmed but I won’t break
Through the battle I will say
Your grace will be enough
Your grace will be enough

Under fire but we won’t fall
We will never be alone
You’ll always be enough
You’ll always be enough

Now in God we trust
In His Name we hope
I know God will not be shaken
God is here with us
He’s already won
I know God will not be shaken

We will follow where You go
We will trust through the unknown
I know You go before
I know You go before

Lead my heart now in Your ways
For we’re carrying Your Name
Your promise never fails
Your promise never fails

You finish what You begun
Forever strong in Your love
Your Name is sure
And You will fight for us
Our hope forever secure
In You alone

#3 P...Permission

Today...

I went to Starbucks and read my Bible.

I watched a movie in the middle of the day. By myself.

I took a nap.

Giving myself permission in baby steps. These were huge.

Go me. Full life...not busy and stuffed.

#2 "P" Ferris Buller Inspiration (again)

Have done this in the past...haven't done it in a while. Helps me embrace the Ferris Bueller of "life moves pretty fast, if you don't stop and look around once in a while you might miss it"...in other words Pleres (Just like Selah was...funny how they can be all the same and different at the same time.)

AIDAN

Creating |  Something new every time I go in your room. Seriously...it's either a Lego Mach, a team on NBA2K, something on your computer, new Instagram accounts (yeah this one drives me crazy...) It's always  something though and that is what is awesome about you. Always, always, up to something.

Reading | Because you have to...but I think secretly loving it. You read books like brain candy and are now interested in WW2 after being in a reading group at school. You are super informed and seek knowledge.

Learning | How to be you. Both on and off the court. How to embrace confidence in basketball, school, and friends. How to be silly and yet mature all at the same time. You are growing more all the time in this...we all are buddy. I'm 39 and still figuring it out. You will get there.

Playing |  Xbox and hoops in the driveway. Still. This is always your go-to. And now you have moved up to Xbox One thanks to Santa.

Practicing | Officially basketball and homework. You got on the honor role and rocked your responsibility this fall.  Unofficially you are practicing how to respond when you are frustrated, how to clean your room, and remember to put your rubber bands in for your braces. You have grown so much in communicating your emotions and how to respond when life isn't fair. I know you only see the times you don't but trust me buddy I see it all and your apologies and heart for others is so awesome.

MICAH

Playing |   With your cousins every chance you get. I can't even start to imagine how hard it is going to be to say good-bye when they go back to Estonia.

Reading |  A lot. With dad, with mom, with Ms. Mary, with Ms. Bridget. Directions, comics, homework, hard stuff, easy stuff, math, science, social-studies. All of it. You are working so hard in this area and it is showing big time.

Reminding | Us to do the fun and thoughtful in life just like you always have. You make us eggs and help clean up. You like to serve.

Watching  |  Netflix and You-tube. How you find what you do is beyond me but you are always finding something that is pranks, hacks, or Lego ideas.

 Practicing | Swimming. Sometimes with a happy heart and sometimes with a grumpy heart but overall you love it and the social that it brings you each week.

JEREMY

Planning | For another semester. Your fall was so so tough in this area. You persevered like a rock star but it took a lot. You are hoping for a Spring with a little more rest. But no matter what you do all in excellence, you always have.

Fixing| The dishwasher, the Tahoe rear-defrost, the chair pads, the sprayer. Pretty much anything that comes your way you are tearing apart and figuring out. Nothing scares you. Not even the transfer-case project on the Tahoe this summer. I admire this in you more than you know. I know it is your greatest strength and can drive you crazy at the same time.

Reading | Your Bible. You continue to faithfully read through the whole thing no matter how long it takes you.

Investing |  In us. You value time with me. You take me on walks and to Macaroni Grill. You go to breakfast whenever you can and sometimes just a run to Costco. You always spend time even when you don't have it.

RACH

Learning | To let go more. And wondering what the next steps of teaching at CCU will be. Never been more unknown and so filled with peace at the same time. Totally ok with waiting to get my Doctorate. Totally ok with staying at Powell. Totally ok with teaching at CCU whenever that might be.

Trusting |  To be quiet more and not default to picking up the phone or turning on noise. Don't like it, but I'm trusting it will have payoffs.

Investing | In time to intentionally connect. Whether it is with my boys, my niece and nephew or just with silence and a cup of coffee. I'm finding nobody is going to do it for me, I must choose.

Listening | To podcasts and so wanting to find one that is Bible based. Found a lot of health and mindful ones. But really want to be cautious about how much I listen and fuel my mind and with what.

Going | To Masters swim practice and looking at it as the long term not just the now. And being ok when I don't go too.

US

Watching |  Brain candy before bed....Big-Bang Theory, Life in Pieces, Friends, or whatever else. Just something to be together.

Drinking |Wine as we go for a walk around the neighborhood. So us. So crazy.

Discussing |  Our boys, our jobs, our summer, our boats, our dreams. Lots of ours in life. Always seeing life as partners no matter what. Go us.

#1 "P" Pleres...Full not Stuffed

I feel like I'm cheating a little bit on this year's word. I looked back at my blog and realized how much I already write about and desire what a full life is.

I feel like I wanted a year that is about just enjoying all the gifts and awesomeness that life is.

I feel like I wanted to be ok with not being in go a million miles an hour and prove that I can do everything mode.

Because even if I can I have totally learned that I don't have to. And actually if I do life isn't full...it's stuffed. And I've done that life enough to know that doesn't prove anything except what a fool I am.
 It's like the idiots that brag about not taking vacation and how many days and hours they work. Really? That's so not who I want to be in any way. I used to think I did. I used to think my FB posts were best if they were stuffed with status updates like this...

Workout check. Laundry check. Grocery shopping check. Made everything from scratch check. Did 30 million push ups check. Lost my mind check. Exhausted...check. And on and on...

And so today my day was full but not stuffed. I got up at 5:30 and swam but I didn't let that define me and have to prove how much more I can do because I did that. Instead I watched a movie with Aidan in his room with him. I sat and drank coffee and read a book. I went to breakfast with Jeremy even though I could have went home and made eggs at home because I am learning to just be sometimes. I took Micah to a friend's house so he could connect. I went to the library and wandered around. I stopped at my sister in law's house and worked on a photo book. I held Daniel. I took a nap. I took a hot shower again even though I showered this morning. And it was a day filled with good. So much good and so much more than making a giant project to do list and proving how much I could get done.

I proved so much more today. Maybe nobody else noticed it, but I did. God did. My family did. And that is what a life that is full is about.
All I can say is...this is gonna be good. Full and good.