Space

 Airplane rides 

Are the best for reflecting. And for listening to the best playlists. And for movies. 

But most importantly they give space. Ironic I know because I’m confined to this tiny seat and packed all my stuff for my trip into a backpack so I don’t have to pay extra. But the space when you travel with less and leave it all behind creates is such a gift. 

It reminds me the world is so much more than the tiny city I live in. Not because its population is 7,000…that’s my hometown. The tiny city I live in now has thousands and millions of you count Denver and not just the suburbs. 

But it’s tiny because it’s limited. It’s filled with that which is confined to Robb Way and Newton and CCU and Target and South Valley and LHS swimming and Marino’s and King Soopers. Things that when I’m in the middle of them I think are either so important or so big and urgent. 

And then you go up in the sky and watch Pinocchio and listen to songs that touch your heart and remind you to face your fears. And then I realize my fears take up way too much space. But the worst part is they pretend that they don’t. They don’t fit at all when you are confined to a “backpack for your travels”. And they take up unnecessary space when you need to leave space for those fun souvenirs you find on vacation…like my Mike Wiziski hoodie which I need a ton of space for. And if I overpacked I couldn’t get anything new. 

And this isn’t about packing or stuff…it’s an analogy about letting go. It’s what I said to my brother this week…we don’t ignore the hurts and tragedies in our life, but we can’t stay stuck either. 

And I think I’m going to take it one step farther and say you need to take some stuff out to make space for that which you don’t even know yet you want or need…like Indiana Jones hats, or vinyl records, or Mike Wyzoki hoodies…and if you don’t have any space you have to keep saying no to that which should be a yes. 

So I’m going to clear some space in my life right now…and I might just make room for some new surprises and things I pick up along the way. 

Connection

 We hear it all around us. A buzz word really. 

But I’m so digging into what it means. And with having no social media connection I’m feeling the reality of what that so called connection did for me and I’m looking for more depth instead. But there was a connection there whether we want to admit it or not…it was a way to find those that sent us reels. And give Instagram a guess on if my algorithm was going to be more hip exercises or cats driving or making fun of my lack of attention or…the list goes on. But it also feels good. It gives me a connection to a world of silly, and entertaining and others in that world. 

And what I’m finding is there is totally a difference between connection and what your phone can help you waste time on or even invest time on…but it’s still doing SOMETHING. Anything almost. Tonight I started doing brain exercises for FUN?! 

What else am I doing instead? Reading, going on walks, listening to deep long podcasts, taking more baths, yoga, going for runs, spacing out, overthinking a lot of decisions, putting up shamrocks around the house, blogging…

But connection. That’s different…

The hugs I got at the swim meet tonight. The envelopes I sent for St. Patrick’s day. Playing Mario Kart with Micah, talking to Denise on the phone, eating dinner on the patio last night at the 49th, watching Aidan’s volleyball games, talking into the night with friends about their faith and struggles in it. choosing to book a plane ticket to go visit family and paint their bedroom. 

Connection is so much more than sharing a reel. It can be though. I think it’s about intention in the connection. 

That’s the secret sauce. For sure. 

Planting

Spring arrived today. In so many ways. 

It was warm. 

Daylight savings time is here. 

But more importantly I planted. And when I did I saw what I knew I could trust all winter long. There was life under that ground that is ready to bloom. It’s peaking out right now just enough to remind me and everyone who walks by that it hasn’t forgotten. 

And I didn’t see it all right away because there was so much debris and leaves and dead that needed to be cleared away. And the more I cleared the more I saw buds and new life ready to come. 

But you know what else I had to do? I had to get those stinking seeds in the ground before it was too late. And some of them said it takes 180-300 days. What?! I have to trust that the tiny sunflower seeds I planted and I can no longer see will come up in 6-10 months from now? And the same with my bulbs and flowers that I had to deadhead all the seeds so new life could come from them. And some of those seeds aren’t going to take. 

But you know what seeds never grow? The ones sitting in my office in a paper bag all warm and cute and visible. But they are dead. Or at least they are shrinking. They for sure aren’t giving life. And the longer they sat there the less chance they had of taking root. 

Taking root. From being buried. And shook. And put into the dark places that we can’t see right now. And so right now we trust. And we know that there is life happening under the ground that we can’t see. Just like it’s been for the last 7 months. 

The months I felt sad and angry. The months I didn’t feel seen. The months I wanted to have my boys here and not away leaving me with the empty that came in that season. The months I wanted Jeremy’s migraines to just be gone. 

Or there was sweetness for sure in those months as well. There was laughter and Thanksgiving and Christmas and league champions in swimming and students that affirmed they needed me just like I needed them. 

But there was a lot more happening under the soil than above, but you know what? If it is was all one or the other there wouldn’t be flowers poking their sweet heads just daring me to trust again. To trust that we must be planted and not just for a few days. Sometimes we can read the package and know it’s 180-300 days and even if it seems long at least we know. But sometimes we just wait and wonder what’s already under the soil that’s just a few days from blooming and when we move and weed the garbage of winter we see it. 

It’s all there. And so we plant some more. 

In the cold dark ground. Where life can happen. 

I dare to trust that Spring is here. Again. 

Sigma

 Today I was sitting in my office and heard my students waiting in the hall after class and talking about how much they liked PE this year. And I couldn’t help myself I had to pop my head out and listen. And so I asked them did I just hear what I thought I heard? 

And they said the workout today was sigma. 

Sigma. After I gave them a workout that was full out HIIT to their highest heart rate zone. And it was hard. 

And then I overheard another student say “I can’t feel my legs but that workout was just what I needed and I feel so much better.” 

Just. What. I. Needed. 

Another win. And yes just what I needed too. What we all need to know the work we do matters. The work we do encourages, helps, and creates confidence in others 

And then to top it off I had my board plastered with happy messages about how loved and appreciated I was. 

Sigma for sure or whatever words kids are using to express that we are killing it. Rizz. Awesome. Epic. Doesn’t matter the word we use to say it…we are all are searching for the same sweet reminder. The truth that what we are doing is right where we need to be. 

30 years later

 It’s been exactly 30 years since I swam my last swim meet. 30. And why did I show up today on a Sunday morning in March to swim events that I used to swim when I was 8? (100 free, 100 IM, 50 breast, 50 free, and relays.)

Because being on a team matters. 

Because cheering for people in life makes you go outside yourself.

Because apparently I was able to encourage someone who needed it today. 

Because counting for the 500 for someone was important and getting sis led in the middle of it brought me joy. 

Because there was an 84 year old that decided to swim for her first time ever in a swim meet today and it mattered that she had people to rally her. 

Because there was a person that I met today who swam for the first time ever since having her leg amputated. That. That’s courage. And when we look around and let go of our own struggles and fears (that are real…for sure). We see others that are just like us. Facing their fears and getting back in the pool even when they have limitations they never had before. And they need to figure out how to balance on the blocks and do a breaststroke kick with one leg. And get up at 4am to have enough time to go to morning swim practice before they start the rest of their day. 

These people unite us. They remind us that it isn’t about being the fastest. It’s about being the bravest and the kindest. 

And I hope 30 years later I’m a whole lot more of both of those.