For the first time since starting my "word a year" I have a sub word.
The middle.
And here's why...
I have learned (am learning...) that it is not in the end when I need to make different choices about my responses or really not even in the beginning. It's in the middle. In the hard. It's when you can't see the shore.
It's recogonizing that you want to respond different on the journey than you feel in the moment.
Anybody can respond well in the beginning or when you see the end. It's keeping hope when it matters most.
(Too funny I was in the middle of writing this and had to save it to come back to finish and post later. Profound I think :))
Wednesday, March 18, 2015
#9 "S" Remembering tears, grace, and the fullness of life.
What I want to remember...
Aidan texting his memories about Scott to Jeremy the instant he heard about Scott dying.
Micah coming out of the bathroom after Scott's funeral and just covered in tears.
Jeremy's story of Scott ringing the bell and McFarlane listening intently knowing that Scott was a kid once too.
Going to the cemetery and putting up the flowers that had fallen on my mom's grave and then going around and doing it for others. And knowing I am not alone. All of those people in the cemetery are people. People that were old. People that were young. People that were somebody's mom, somebody's sister, somebody's son...belonged to somebody. I am not alone.
The power of hope. Going for a walk and knowing that even though it was cold and grey and the buds were barely there they were there. Knowing. Knowing that there is so much more than what you see because you have been in winter before and you know summer always comes. Even if the winter is different; the hope isn't any different.
Playing cards with the messy of family. Me. Beau. Margaret. And Ruth. All brought together through death. A recent one and ones of long ago. Knowing that there is always grace and always healing and it rang out in laughter that night.
Laying with Jeremy after Scott's funeral in Grandpa's basement and just being. And knowing that was all we needed in that moment.
Jeremy holding his boys when they came for the viewing and just sobbing. Being together as a family in grief and having the boys experience daddy hurting.
Remembering when I was in Chicago that doing "the middle" well was important. And when I wasn't doing it well remembering that I need to give grace to them and to myself. Doing the hard stuff together is part of learning grace well.
Sitting down with my kids in Chicago airport and getting out my laptop to email work and telling the boys do as much technology as you want...and realizing you never know what somebody is facing as you walk by then in an airport. Don't judge. Don't forget we all are living a story beyond what meets the eye. We don't know if somebody is trying to make funeral arrangements while we pass them by. Give more grace.
Looking up as seeing Nate at Scott's funeral and knowing that the best thing to do for people is just show up. You don't ask what they need you just show up.
Visiting Grandpa and him saying "I didn't think you would come it's so inconvenient." And realizing in that moment the power of that word. Inconvenient. So much of life is inconvenient. Making sub plans. Traveling. Eating healthy. Just getting out of bed is inconvenient. That is not what drives our decisions. I sure hope not. The longer I live the more I realize that to enjoy something doesn't mean we are in maximum efficiency mode. We are in people mode and that is truly about being inconvenienced.
The simple moment of the boys and me having a smoothie and Lo Mein together at the Chicago airport on the way home and knowing we were almost there.
The thankful heart my boys had when I bought them movies and TV on the airplane.
Watching old reruns to Parenthood instead of feeling like I needed to be productive 24-7.
Growing up in that I wanted to be with Jeremy but he needed me to take care of the boys so he could do and be where he needed to be. That was bigger than I knew but also more necessary than I knew.
Watching silly Mickey Mouse cartoons with Micah in the airplane and laughing about hot dogs and ice cream trucks.
I want to remember the moment in the Chicago airport on the way to Rhinelander when I got hot water to make tea and just let myself feel. Called the airline and they weren't helpful. Called my dad and he was. The comfort of family was what I needed and I let my dad be that for me.
Grace. For me. For my kids. For others. I want to remember to give and get that more.
Aidan texting his memories about Scott to Jeremy the instant he heard about Scott dying.
Micah coming out of the bathroom after Scott's funeral and just covered in tears.
Jeremy's story of Scott ringing the bell and McFarlane listening intently knowing that Scott was a kid once too.
Going to the cemetery and putting up the flowers that had fallen on my mom's grave and then going around and doing it for others. And knowing I am not alone. All of those people in the cemetery are people. People that were old. People that were young. People that were somebody's mom, somebody's sister, somebody's son...belonged to somebody. I am not alone.
The power of hope. Going for a walk and knowing that even though it was cold and grey and the buds were barely there they were there. Knowing. Knowing that there is so much more than what you see because you have been in winter before and you know summer always comes. Even if the winter is different; the hope isn't any different.
Playing cards with the messy of family. Me. Beau. Margaret. And Ruth. All brought together through death. A recent one and ones of long ago. Knowing that there is always grace and always healing and it rang out in laughter that night.
Laying with Jeremy after Scott's funeral in Grandpa's basement and just being. And knowing that was all we needed in that moment.
Jeremy holding his boys when they came for the viewing and just sobbing. Being together as a family in grief and having the boys experience daddy hurting.
Remembering when I was in Chicago that doing "the middle" well was important. And when I wasn't doing it well remembering that I need to give grace to them and to myself. Doing the hard stuff together is part of learning grace well.
Sitting down with my kids in Chicago airport and getting out my laptop to email work and telling the boys do as much technology as you want...and realizing you never know what somebody is facing as you walk by then in an airport. Don't judge. Don't forget we all are living a story beyond what meets the eye. We don't know if somebody is trying to make funeral arrangements while we pass them by. Give more grace.
Looking up as seeing Nate at Scott's funeral and knowing that the best thing to do for people is just show up. You don't ask what they need you just show up.
Visiting Grandpa and him saying "I didn't think you would come it's so inconvenient." And realizing in that moment the power of that word. Inconvenient. So much of life is inconvenient. Making sub plans. Traveling. Eating healthy. Just getting out of bed is inconvenient. That is not what drives our decisions. I sure hope not. The longer I live the more I realize that to enjoy something doesn't mean we are in maximum efficiency mode. We are in people mode and that is truly about being inconvenienced.
The simple moment of the boys and me having a smoothie and Lo Mein together at the Chicago airport on the way home and knowing we were almost there.
The thankful heart my boys had when I bought them movies and TV on the airplane.
Watching old reruns to Parenthood instead of feeling like I needed to be productive 24-7.
Growing up in that I wanted to be with Jeremy but he needed me to take care of the boys so he could do and be where he needed to be. That was bigger than I knew but also more necessary than I knew.
Watching silly Mickey Mouse cartoons with Micah in the airplane and laughing about hot dogs and ice cream trucks.
I want to remember the moment in the Chicago airport on the way to Rhinelander when I got hot water to make tea and just let myself feel. Called the airline and they weren't helpful. Called my dad and he was. The comfort of family was what I needed and I let my dad be that for me.
Grace. For me. For my kids. For others. I want to remember to give and get that more.
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
7 "S" "Welcome the' Flipped Cards' of Life"
What about when you can't stop and pause and KNOW you NEED to? And yet life is just so much. Parent-teacher conferences. A new vehicle with a check engine light. Grandma dying. PARCC testing. Getting a message that your little boy cried during testing because it was too much for him. All in the last 3 hours I have been slammed with life.
I know I need to Selah. But life doesn't allow for it when I needed it.
It's now 3 hours later and I haven't handled all of that well. Anybody can handle life when it's EASY. Anybody can handle the classroom full of eager to learn kids. Anybody can jump in the hot tub.
What about the ocean waves? What about classes that have Sam McClurg (Name changed) in them? What about days when you have conferences that are just disheartening? What about days when a loved one dies?
What then? How do you pause even when you can't? Is it a state of being no matter what the situation? Is it a heart decision long before it is an in the moment decision?
I don't know. I just need to be honest and say I knew what I needed today I just didn't know how to get it when I needed it till it was too late.
My favorite quote of the day now that I am sitting and reflecting was when Marnie told me that she was glad when her daughter was little and had her "card flipped" for talking because it is ok not to be perfect. It is actually welcome. Love that. Love the grace that is overflowing from that.
Welcome the "flipped cards" of life. That is what I will title this post. Great reminder.
I know I need to Selah. But life doesn't allow for it when I needed it.
It's now 3 hours later and I haven't handled all of that well. Anybody can handle life when it's EASY. Anybody can handle the classroom full of eager to learn kids. Anybody can jump in the hot tub.
What about the ocean waves? What about classes that have Sam McClurg (Name changed) in them? What about days when you have conferences that are just disheartening? What about days when a loved one dies?
What then? How do you pause even when you can't? Is it a state of being no matter what the situation? Is it a heart decision long before it is an in the moment decision?
I don't know. I just need to be honest and say I knew what I needed today I just didn't know how to get it when I needed it till it was too late.
My favorite quote of the day now that I am sitting and reflecting was when Marnie told me that she was glad when her daughter was little and had her "card flipped" for talking because it is ok not to be perfect. It is actually welcome. Love that. Love the grace that is overflowing from that.
Welcome the "flipped cards" of life. That is what I will title this post. Great reminder.
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