"5" T Learning

I sat down to do something tonight that would remind me of who I want to be.

And I ended up here. Reading my old blog posts, and wow I love the reminders of the journey of life. Not at the time. Heck no. At the time I'm a selfish, uncompassionate, and impatient person. Who somehow doesn't believe in the hope of the situation even when I can look back and see how God has been faithful.

But the journey is once again being reminded that I can look back and read about how Mother's day in 2016 was hard and then in 2017 was so so sweet. It's about how I can read about Micah in his first days at Powderhorn, and the stories of stapling bananas on my classroom wall, and Aidan being in Utah and hurt, and the spring that we bought the Mercedes and Scott died.

And knowing the sweetness in life as well...the magical moment at the campground in Iowa, and taking Aidan to Chatfield to throw rocks, and going to New York unexpectedly.

And here's what I want to remember...to learn from those moments so I can respond better now.

So I don't get lulled to sleep and make selfish, uncompassionate, untrusting responses when Jeremy asks me to get a job for the summer. Or when someone at a party jokes about him following me out to Colorado. Or anytime that I don't protect and am unaware. Those are the moments that I want real change in. I will know what I mean when I read this again someday and that is all that matters. That I hold this story so I remember that I can learn from both the good and the bad.

I think sometimes I think it is about always embracing the sweet moments and holding to them, but I think I need to learn to remember that which has hurt and caused pain so I can learn to protect. I realized my whole life I have been taught to push and see how little protection I can live with. To need protection seemed so weak, so human.

But this morning the first song that came on was this...

Though I walk through the valley of the shadowAnd I stand face to face with the enemyI will know that I am not forsakenYou surround me when the fire's at my feet
You're my defenderYou fight for meI will rememberYou're all I needYou are my healerMy remedyAgainst the power of the unknownAnd I will not stand alone'Cause You're my defender
I can see You when the night is closing inAnd I will trust You when it seems that there's no hopeAnd I hold tight to the promise You have given'Cause this I know and I am confident
You're my defenderYou fight for meI will rememberYou're all I needYou are my healerMy remedyAgainst the power of the unknownAnd I will not stand alone'Cause You're my defenderYou're my defender

And so that is the truth I am holding to on 5-15-2018. When I'm overwhelmed with school, and discouraged with our money situation, and wondering how to find rest. I am allowing God to defend me. Because I am so weak, so human. And for once I might see that as a good thing.

"4" T-Better

I have a lot on my heart right now but as I type I think what I most want to share is this...

I went driving around the other night...I just needed to not be productive for every minute of every day...and so I ended up at the Columbine memorial. And I can across this quote..

"I hope people come to this place to think about how they themselves can be better people rather than come here to reflect on death".

Dang.

Death. I've had to face this early in life. And then this year with a suicide of a boy I never really met, but was friends with so many at our school, it became a lot more real again. And then the person that has caused the most pain in our family dies. And I didn't know how to process it. 

So God brought me the truth that I don't have to reflect on death, but I can instead think about how I can be better because of it. I can be better because of it. I can be better because of it. 

I have a choice. I can allow myself to reflect on how I want to love people. I can reflect on who I want to become. I can reflect on how I want to respond when other's are hurting. 

I can be better because of it. 

I actually believe that truth, because I have already had that seed planted in my life. I know that doesn't mean I don't admit the pain and hurt and sorrow that happens because of death, but I know that death doesn't have to come with only the hurt, pain, and sorrow. I have learned so much from losing my mom at a young age. I believe I have become a better person because of it. 

And I can again. I can even when a person who has caused so much pain to so many people dies. I can choose what to reflect on. And so tonight that is how I am processing and healing. It doesn't mean I have this all figured out and will always know this truth. But I know I want to return to this truth, because God has promised healing, love, and hope. 

Dang.