"2" G- Do I say...because I have to say...

 So every year I have started the tradition of journaling about my summer through a "do I say lens". It helps me process. It helps me remember the WHOLE of summer, not just the parts that feel unfair or routine and grocery shopping-ish. And so I knew I needed to journal about this summer more than ever. And now I only have about 14 minutes until Jeremy comes home from work. Yes. He is at work and I am not. Which is part of the inanity of this summer that I would have never expected even a month ago. So much has changed. Jeremy is at Blue Ocean. Aidan is at Kohl's. Micah is at swim practice with no meets anywhere in sight. And I am going back to school in a mask, teaching kids in hybrid. I am getting a new teammate. I am sad and scared and yet I want to see the GIFTS that God has given to me and continues to give to me each and every moment. Like a phone call today with Denise for 1 hour and 9 minutes! So even though today is "just a day", it is an important day to look back on and remember the whole. So before I go back to school on Monday for a zoom meeting here is my reflection that is so incredible needed in the year of gift...2020.

Do I say that this was the easiest and hardest summer of my life and I can't even put into words why?

Do I say that having to let go of everything we had planned...NY, Family Camp, Lego Conventions, Seattle trip was the crazy combination of then being thankful for that which we could have while still feeling so much loss of that which we still wanted and couldn't have?

Do I say that the moment of sitting in the atrium at the Brown Palace Hotel will forever hold a special place in my heart of feeling such nearness of God?

Do I say that one of my favorite moments of summer was drinking pink beer on 16th Street Mall at the School House brewery in the middle of the day and then going back to the hotel for the best nap of the whole summer?

Do I say that going to the Water Ski Show and eating at the Boat House for my birthday with Denise and having Fish Fry and Dessert and Spotted Cow was seriously such a celebration that I was so thankful for, and in that moment I felt that the word gift was truly redeemed even when I had Seattle taken away?

Do I say that I cried on my Birthday because I wanted it to be a certain way with my family and the heaviness of the unresolved conflict made everything feel so much heavier, and yet Denise being the one to cry to was exactly the person that could understand me in that moment at the campground? And drinking Beer on the Dock and just being real was the best gift I could ask for in that moment. 

....Monday night at 10:43 pm and I just finished my "first day" back. So much to say but instead I will say all this...

Do I say that I feel like my summer never started and yet I was ready for a new season by the time school came? And that when I look back on my camera roll I am shocked at how many gifts we got to experience this summer, THAT I SO EASILY FORGET. And so this is why we look back so we don't forget. I don't want to forget buying matching earrings with Audrey, mountain biking and burritos so many times, flowers blooming the front yard for the first time ever, meeting Jeremy in Fort Collins and going to the Blind Pig restaurant, so many mornings on the porch reading my Bible, camping without a bathroom...or so we thought, discussing if a loon is a duck, 

Do I say that my fire pit has brought so much more joy than I ever thought possible and for that I am so thankful for the spontaneous moment we had to say yes to it when it was way more money than I wanted to spend? But I am so glad I did. 

Do I say that 4th of July at Hodag Park was one of the best unexpected favorite parts of my entire summer and the grand finale was so so fun? 

Do I say that going back to Black River Harbor was so many feels? The reminder of how far I have come. The reminder that we all grow up yet it's so good to go back and be a kid. To play in the water, to collect rocks, to explore waterfalls, to do all that things that help you feel alive. 

Do I say that the Boat Tours in Wisconsin Dells made me feel like we were actually on vacation and all the heaviness of life and that which we couldn't do felt like it melted away and the green on the rocks felt like going to a magical underground in which we were invincible?

Do I say that when Jeremy got the phone call about the job at Blue Ocean I knew that our lives were about to change and I was ready even though I was scared and excited all at the same time?

Do I say that I have found that friendships take time and investing in them is something I have continued to reexamine and find what that looks like for the exact season I am in...sometimes is is meeting a friend for breakfast when they come and visit from out of town, sometimes it is inviting them over for wine at the firepit, sometimes it is sending a Marco Polo, sometimes it is bringing them to the lake and going Paddle Boarding, sometimes it is going to Melting Pot for a late night fondue date, sometimes it is spontaneous hang out to eat tacos and make smores, sometimes it is a text to check in ...but it is never something. Nothing grows and flourishes if we just hope for the best and don't invest. Invest. This is so evident to me all the time that it is worth it. 

Do I say that when I had to make decisions about getting the emergency brake fixed, Aidan's AC in his car, bringing my bike to get the tire fixed, getting bids on trimming the trees, and scheduling the carpet guy to come...I got it. I got how so many times I blame Jeremy for that which is just maintenance of life. And so for me to have to play this role has been so good. Hard but good.

Do I say that I still majorly struggle with jealousy every since time someone posts that they are on vacation, doing something so much more fun than my current state, or just plain showcasing fun and the life I think I should have? And so I'm trying to grow. A lot. I 'm trying to not just not see it but instead if I do I am choosing to be happy for them, realize that I am not the one missing out because I have been given so many gifts...

And so that is where I land on this summer night in August while the crickets chirp, Jeremy is overnight at Fort Collins, and school has officially restarted. 

Gift. 

I chose this word for 2020 because I was turning 43 and we all know that 43 is a scary number for me. The amount of life that my mama lived. That's it. She was so young and I thought she was so old. I'm not old. I'm not young either but dang I am hoping that I still have the privilege of growing old and the truth that life is a gift. 

And so summe of 2020 you were a strange one. The one where people ask how your summer was and you say "I made the best of it". And I hope I did. I hope I saw it for the gift it was and so I what I want to say is this...

The gift of life is truly that. A gift. 

Treasure it. The staying home, the crickets chirping and all. For the gifts that you thought were expected have become one of the sweetest of all. For I remember the moment this Spring when we just really really wished we could have a beer on a patio somewhere. And then 2 months later we could. And we didn't take it for granted anymore. 

PS We sold the pop up camper. 

PPS. We are now looking at boats. 

"1" G Name It

I need a place to process and a place to take all the input and output.

I need a place to say this quarantine is a GIFT...yep that is actually the word that I first hear from people when they are choosing to see the blessing in it.

It's a gift to have time together.
It's a gift to have time for projects.
It'a a gift to lean into slower pace, more meals at home, and so many less trips to the store.

But I need a place to say for all the gifts there are BURDENS too. There are businesses dying. There are people dying. There are people who so desperately need human connection and they are only able to do it through a screen. There are people who will need years to recover from this and will be effected forever in ways they don't even know yet.

And so I grieve for all that is lost right now because I know that it isn't just that I should be on a an airplane right now coming home from a cruise. It's about that we all have losses in this that we have to face and NAME so that we can then grieve and move on. This is what Emily P. Freeman says and I think she is stinking right. I think there is something so powerful on naming BOTH. I'm sad that Micah isn't swimming. I'm sad that Aidan is at at Christian school that we are paying for him to be a part of that community and he has to do it online. I'm sad that Family Camp will be different. I'm sad that I can't go out on a date to Marinos or out with friends. I'm sad that the ocean is out there and I can't be in it. I'm sad that Micah got the news that he isn't moving up to Senior Prep yet. And while I know these sadnesses are temporary they are real right now.

But I love that I can hear the sounds of...

Jeremy playing guitar and singing praises.
Aidan playing video games with Andrew.
Micah talking on the phone with his friends and building a Friends Lego set.

And the sound of hope and peace.  I love that and I can name that too.

So that's where I'm at on 8:29 on 3/29/2020 on a Sunday night after Spring Break in quarantine because of Covid-19. And tomorrow at 8:29 pm I will name something else, but for today I can name that God is good. Jesus is my Shepherd. The Holy Spirit will comfort.

And even if we feel that "we are walking around the walls for 6 days aimlessly" just as the Israelites did BEFORE they knew how the story ended...and wondered what the heck they are doing, I know we can have hope that on that "7th day" the walls will fall down and there will be victory.

I can't name what day we are in today of the 6 day walking around the walls, but I know it's not the 7th and so until it is I will name my hope in Christ and trust His word and His truth that passess all understanding.