Had the hardest conversation with Aidan last Sunday night that I have ever had since becoming a mom. And I thought by writing about it I could process it more...but nothing is coming to mind.
It hurt.
It was hard.
It was like taking something that was completely healed and ripping it open again.
And it was all because he didn't get me anything for mother's day. Not a card. Not a gift. Just asked over and over if he could play baseball. He was all about himself and it hurt.
What is that about? It so wasn't fair. It brought up my own reminders of how self-absorbed I was when I was 17 only to find out the next day I wouldn't have any more Mother's Day to celebrate.
Mother's Day from 1995 till 2004 was never a celebration. And then this stinker was born. And I loved it. I loved that I could start to heal. And I did.
So much so that the night before Mother's Day I told Jeremy how easy this year had been for me...in a good way.
Till the next day hit and hit hard.He didn't get it. And he won't for a long time. And that is ok.
I didn't and sometimes I still don't. Sometimes I'm still that selfish 17 year old that only thinks about herself. That's why this is so hard.
Your kids remind you that you are human. And that is ok too. Even if it's hard and healing has to start again.
I love him and if there is one thing I know it is that there will be more Mother's Days. And they will bring more healing and maybe more hurt. But that is part of the wholeness and the gift that life is.
It isn't about Mother's Day in 1995 or Mother's Day in 2016...sometimes it is about Mother's day 2004 and all of these in-between. And that is something I know. I trust.
