15 "E" Bedtime tickles

Sometimes all you have to post is that tonight before bed Aidan tickled me and giggled and giggled. Love that silly 12 year old boy.

14 "E" Around Here

SIMPLIFYING| Trying to teach with less steps. Trying to have one spot for stuff. Trying to realize that it is less about cute binders and cute boxes or notebooks and more about just finding what works and going with it.  

LISTENING| To podcasts. Because I realize I have a lot of time in my brain in my "in-between" times and I want to fill it with that which renews and refreshes. Sometimes it is quiet. Sometimes it is music. Sometimes it is just listening...and I think Pocasts are the way that I can sharpen my listening in a way that I want to become.


WISHING| That the pool was open more. Going back to school schedule has been tough in this and I need to decide does that mean I go in the morning or does it mean I go at night? But knowing that I need to invest in this because being in the water is essential to my being.

INVESTING| In the heart of life. My boys. My marriage. My niece and nephew. My heart...both physically and emotionally. My soul. In what matters a little more all the time.

PURCHASING | Very little. Because we are in major disciple mode after living it up for the summer. We are in "let's go to Del Taco and get $0.69 taco life" And going to the grocery store and putting stuff back because we literary only brought $23 and that's what was left in groceries. AND IT IS OK. It means the chocolate almond milk can wait. It means chips can wait. And instead you buy flour and broccoli and it is this awesome reminder of how to truly invest in what matters...even/especially in your health. Way cool.

READING | So much at once. Living with a Seal, Chasing Water, magazines, websites, emails, texts, info from teachers, "how-to's so I can learn new...like making videos and link parents to my Google Classroom. And being ok that I can only do so much at once and sometimes you just get the big idea of stuff and that is ok. Not every book has to be finished...not every idea has to be put into action .

FINDING | That I can still "be" even when it is just for 15 minutes or for windows of time. Finding that it is ok to play with pictures and invest in what refuels me at night and not just wait till the weekend.


GIVING THANKS |  Because if I don't I will lose it. I will lose perspective. I will lose heart. I will forget that this life is full of gifts and I will get covered in poop (literally) and I will get mad that I have to cook and clean and share my space and my right to peace and quiet and...yeah all that. The yuck of our hearts that we need to cleanse because no matter how much we want to act and BE a certain way we still struggle with the real right in front of us. 

So here are a few of the things I am thankful for...

Walks. Walks at night and time to process. Running. Waking up early to run and saying this is what we always were excited to do in life. Swimming. Always. Enough said. Coloring, and that Faith had so much fun doing it with me and looked forward to it for days. Legos. Because my boys have such amazing ideas and invest their time there. Peace and Quiet. Because if if is is rare it still happens and it is not something I take for granted. Like waking up at 4:30 because I can't sleep and seeing that as a gift rather than a curse. Coffee and wine. Because sometimes these are just the things that bring routine and a certain cycle of waking up and winding down. Both good. Micah's new school and both days that he gets paws and days that he does not. So much learning going on. And sometimes the hard brings the most growth and reward. Hope. So much hope right now. Seasons. Because with them holds the beauty of embracing what is in front of you and also the gift of looking back.

13 "E" Rolling in the grass

Time to have fun again. That's the reminder I needed tonight.

Watching Micah dance and roll in the grass while I sat at the fire and just breathed for the first time all week...that was what I saw...I saw a boy that reminded me of the summer mom who rolls in the grass, dances till her feet are filthy, and swims any chance she can. I lost that this week when I became work mom again. I lost it when I need it more than ever.

Don't give that up. It's more important now.Fight for it. Seek it. Whatever you do...don't forget what is important. Heart. Fun. Soul. Breathe. Swim. Dance. Roll in the grass.

Don't forget.

#12 "E" Emojis

It was exactly 2 years ago today that I posted about my boys helping in my classroom and what a jerk I was. And I am so glad I did because it was enough to remind me this weekend that I didn't want the same memory again when Micah helped me this weekend.

So when he wanted to cut up the Emojis and hang them everywhere randomly I said yes. When he wanted to post the welcome back the way he wanted I said yes. When he wanted to stop and eat lunch I said yes. When he did the numbers for the tables I gladly took his help.

Because it's not really about when stuff is stapled anyway. In a few months or days none of it will matter...but man how people feel in that process makes all the difference in the world. And you know what he said when we left?

"Thank you mommy for bringing me to your classroom".

And that was the memory I wanted to make. So glad that I can remember what it is really about and make Emoji memories instead.

# 11 "E" All in.

Dang I'm a sucker. I cried today. Actually cried on my way home from the library with the boys. I put my hand on Aidan's shoulder and said "buddy I love you, I'm going to miss you" and I know he didn't think much of it...but it was enough for me just to cry...both sadness and joy at the same time. And that is honestly how I want to live.

Knowing that I have been ALL IN.

And because of that it's going to be harder to be gone again. Every summer I feel like my boys are more and more my buddies and not just these people I have to take care of. They play basketball with me. They watch movies with me. We swim. We tread water (literally). We swim some more. We travel. We go for walks. We go to Sonic. We paint Legos. We get frustrated with each other. We just do life together and it is so so what I want it to be.  And I'm so glad it makes me cry when I have to go back to time without them. Because if I didn't it would mean that I didn't give it my all. And that means a lot more is at stake. Nobody cares if their heart isn't it in. Mine is.

And do my challenge to myself is what should I give more of to so I can cry more when it's gone? That's a gut challenge right there. No more messing around. Let's be ALL IN.

#10 "E" Do I say more?

On August 9th of 2016 I posted that there was 23 hours and 50 minutes till I go back to work. And now it's another summer of lessons learned and there is always more to say...

It's August  10th at 12:10 am in the morning and I can't sleep. I have 55 hours and 48 minutes until I have to go back and every time I face this moment I realize the gift that time is. Whether it is is 10 minutes or 24 hours. Or 6 days or 3 years. It's all a gift.

Do I say that summer reminds me of how to listen in life? To others...to myself and to God. It reminds me that listening isn't on accident. You can hear and not listen. You can listen and still not respond. This summer was about listening more than ever. Sometimes into all hours of the night with people that I rarely get that gift with.

Do I say that when I put my kids to bed tonight my heart was sad because I knew they were in summer mode and I was just frustrated that they were up late and their rooms were messy and I didn't get to end well with them? Or do I say that I went in after they were sleeping because I knew I wanted them to wake up to something different and the reminder that every day is a new day and so I left notes for them that reminded them...but more importantly reminded me what was important.

Do I say that singing to my boys in the camper in Nebraska when they were going to sleep was one of the best mom moments I have had in life?

Do I say that my dance birthday party was just what I needed and I wish I could dance like that all the time?

Do I say that buying a sailboat and planning for the Keys is just what we need to keep our dreams alive and to have something all year long that feels like summer?

Do I say that watching my boys play with their cousins this summer shows me what incredible kids they are? Day after day I see it more and more and feel blessed.

Do I say that there are moments  with Jeremy like camping in Iowa, and going to Melting Pot, and being outside at the farm at night that are just magical and there is no way you can plan them? You just know when you are in the middle of one of them and you take it for the gift it is?

Do I say that losing my memos in my phone was a reminder of how temporary life is and sometimes you accept that you can't fix something and you find out it is ok anyway?

Do I say that coming back in August and trying to live summer life when you decide to crunch the budget just reminds you how spoiled you are in life and how much you still need to grow up even when you are 39?

Do I say that moments like swimming across the lake with Beau and he stops to tell me how much he appreciated what Jeremy and I did for him remind me that you never know what impact you have in someone's life?

Do I say that staying up late and talking to Sara and letting her trust me with her heart was healing that I never expected?

Do I say that going to lab and writing Carely a message with sticks was one silly happy memory that I hope I have more of in life?

Do I say that summer isn't summer without Fort and I don't care how old our kids are we are going to make family camp happen as long as we can in life?

Do I say that reminding Nate that day at lunch that he was focusing on what he didn't have instead of what he did have was the reminder that I probably need more than I know?

Do I say that painting Aidan's Lego this morning and the joy that it gave him reminded me of the the joy that comes from investing in the little things that are so so important in life?

Do I say that sitting at Bobby's funeral with the boys and having them put their heads on my shoulder reminded me of that my time with them isn't forever and I only have them by my side for shorter than I know?

Do I say that I love sleeping in my camper and could care less about my giant house will pretty much always be how I roll and I can't wait until that is my life all the time?

Do I say that sitting out in the sailboat and having root beer floats with Crick and Mindy and talking about life was the reminder to be present no matter where you are?

Do I say that going on Thunder Mountain with Faith was such a sweet, sweet, memory for so many reasons that nobody will understand except me?

Do I say that I can never swim enough? That swimming across Spider Lake will always be one of my favorite things and I hope I can do it until I'm 80?

Do I say that when the end of summer comes I'm always in this place of wishing I could have more days but also knowing that my job is good and I can thrive if I choose? Especially if I can remember how to invest in what matters when the school year comes?

Do I say that this summer I didn't worry at all about who to hang out with when we were home because the answer was just Jenn, Audrey, Daniel, Mindy, Faith, and Asher?

Do I say that you go boogie boarding even when it's freezing because I love it just that much?

Do I say that going to California and being with family was the perfect start to the summer of family?

Do I say that if we would have gone on our 20th anniversary trip that we had planned on we would have missed out on night with Micah that was crazy special and we wouldn't have a boat in our garage right now?

Do I say that if we sell our camper I will cry but I know it is the right thing to do anyway?

Do I say that going to Grandma Betty's is the reminder to be present with who you are with and I hope I give that gift to my grandchildren someday?

Do I say that going to the water-ski show in Rhinelander was silly but the perfect thing to do when in Rhinelander?

Do I say that going to Noah's Ark with the boys and having them do everything with us showed me how incredibly grown up they are and made me enjoy it all the more because it is the reminder that they aren't going to be little and with us forever?

Do I say that the night that we went to Walmart and got food and cooked in the camper instead of going out was an example of how much my husband loves me?

Do I say that I love that summer shows me how to life deep and I wish I knew how to do that more all year long?

Do I say that I want to wake up tomorrow and be present with my boys because that is the best thing I can do for them and for me?

Do I say that I remember reading Kisses from Katie and feeling like I totally got why we didn't get to go be on staff at Fort this summer because it was our "fundraising time"? And I totally accepted in not just in words but in my heart. 

Do I say that I love being outside and I need to find a way to bring that into my school life more in some way?

Do I say that I am always scared to go back to work? Not because I don't think I will remember how to teach or be overwhelmed but because I am afraid I will forget all that I learn in the summer and forget how to invest in what matters?

Do I say that I wish I could just be on the road all the time and I wonder why that is such a part of me rather than being at home?

Do I say that I wish I didn't love wine and chips and hummus so much (stole that one from last year ::)?

Do I say that I know that taking Aidan to the gym to play basketball isn't about playing basketball as much as it is about teaching him about life and how to have grit? Both physically and mentally. And I feel privileged to get to do that with him.

Do I say that I love to do the rock-wall at the gym and I feel like every time I am up there I am thinking about how it relates to life? And even though I don't let myself fail very often I am getting better at both letting go and holding on all the same time and that totally makes sense to me.

Do I say that waking up in the morning and having all these people in your house is both easy and hard at the same time? And I am growing every day in how to not just be in neutral but in a plus one mindset.

Do I say that inviting people to live with you isn't just about sharing space but it is about cleaning up after yourself when you normally wouldn't?  Because that is part of the deal that even though it isn't spoken it is showing that you care and that your space is shared and not just yours? And realizing it isn't about rights but it is about giving, because you get to this point when you choose to do not what is fair but what is part of the whole.

Do I say that I know more every day that life is a privledge and time is a gift?

Or do I just say thank you to the One who has entrusted me with this incredibly awesome life that I get to do each day whether it is filled with plans or is open...whether it is May 20th or August 10th...whether I wake up and put on my swimsuit or wake up and get dressed for work.

It. Is. All. A. Gift.

Is there more to say than that? I hope I can say that day after day, year after year.

Present and gift. Synonyms. Pretty sure there is a reason for that. Do I say I hope that I can be present for the next 9 months?  Time is a gift entrusted to me.

Happy Summer 2016.
Entrust. Yep that.

#9 "E" Superglue, sunglasses, and lost memos.

Today is not yesterday.

That is probably the most profound thing I learned about life in the last 24 hours.

Yesterday Micah broke his sunglasses...again.

Yesterday Micah ruined his favorite Star Wars shirt and shorts with Superglue in the back of the car while I saw him in the rear view mirror and almost lost a lung. Yes...I wasn't happy is an understatement.

Yesterday Aidan got grounded for constantly talking back and being entitled.

Yesterday my phone factory reset. OUT OF NOWHERE and I lost all my memos of brainstorming and summer memories.

Yesterday was not my best parenting or patience or acceptance of what was thrown at me.

But today.

Today us not yesterday and that is my favorite thing about life. Each day is a "factory reset" and sometimes we need those more than we know.

Today I made a Disneyland book with Audrey.

Today I shopped for Coca-Cola shirts with Micah.

Today Micah wore Jeremy's sunglasses around like he was king of the world and very carefully put them in the case each time.

Today Aidan took care of his cousins with the biggest heart I have ever seen.

Today I went out to dinner with Jeremy for chips and guac and Blue Moon.

Today I sang "Blind Man" to both my boys when they went to bed. And the truth of the words "I am the way...I am the truth...I am the light...the way to go home" are true for both my yesterday's and my todays...and my tomorrows.

Tomorrow might have more sunglasses lost, tomorrow my phone might just burst into flames, tomorrow I might have to face ungrateful kids. But that's ok.

It's OK because each day is a gift. Each day has moments that make you just want to cry and moments that melt your heart. Because you know what I didn't say about yesterday...the blessings it held. The going hiking with Aidan, going to breakfast with Stephanie, swimming with Crysti, picking out tile with Jeremy, Micah going to vbs at Faith Mountain even though he was tear stained on his ride there.

Every day is filled with the words from "Blind Man" or as Micah calls it "the truth song".

The truth is this life is only temporary and we live so differently. We live as if broken sunglasses and superglue really matter. And they don't. The truth is our life has so much energy put into what doesn't matter that I'm embarrassed. And so this is my reminder to "factory reboot" on that which does matter. Others. That is what I want left on my phone when everything else is lost. That's what I want "backed up".

Yesterday and today...and tomorrow. Yep.