'9" T Truth is...

9:39 pm. In NY it will be New Year' in 21 minutes.

And what do I say about 2018? 

It's been awesome, and hard, and healing, and opening of wounds, and filled with hope, and filled with sadness. It's been a time to connect and a time to grow. It's been hard to push through on school and work and working out and learning what to let go.

I bought Eggos. 

I ran to Del Taco every Tuesday night.

Aidan walks home from school sometimes.

Micah gets to practice because Peyton's parents help us out.

The dishes pile up.

I waited to give awards to my students until next week.

Truth is, I think I let it go but I still have a lot of work to do. 

Truth is Jeremy hit it on the head today at Hacienda when he said as I get more busy and overwhelmed I pull away. 

Damn.

Truth is truth. And doesn't change just because I don't like to hear it. 

That's the truth that I am learning. 

Savor, Spirit, Open, Choose, Remember, Story, Become, Selah, Entrust, Pleres, Truth, and next up...


Joy.

I'm ready

'8' T Still Afraid-Just not of the dark...

Why does the Bible tell us so many times not to fear?

Because man we need the reminder more than we know.

We need to stop hiding and pretending we aren't afraid.

Because we are.

We are afraid that our work won't get done, or our needs won't get met, or our kids will struggle. Or we won't get rest or we won't get acknowledged. Or, or, or...

It doesn't go away just because we grow up. It just looks different. Instead of being afraid of crocodiles or the dark we are afraid we won't measure up or life won't be fair.

We are still afraid, and so we need to find light and truth in those fears.

We need to be reminded that we are loved. For who we are. Even when we screw up. Especially when we do. We need to be reminded that we are valued and cared for and we actually won't ever measure up, but that's not the goal anyway. The goal is so much more the goal is to find health in the midst of all of those fears.

To turn off the light even though we are afraid of the dark.
To feed the crocodile (at the petting zoo, not the wild!) even though we are afraid it will snap us in tow.
To jump off the high dive even though the water below looks far away.
And then when we grow up we just have to acknowledge those fears in a different way.
To admit we have limits even though we want to have it all together.
To let go of our expectations on the day even though we want control.

Because that fear does nothing but get in the way of who God wants us to be.
So I am letting go of those fears and instead I am turning off the light. I am believing truth. I am believing the same truth that the Israelites knew...

 “He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8

'7" T "A lot"

The last time I blogged was the first day of summer. I just came back from Thanksgiving break. That's a lot of life that I've lived in the last 13 weeks. I've written a lot...I pretty much crank out a 5-6 page paper every weekend or every few weekends. School is a lot. Figuring out how to get the boys to practice and home is a lot. Planning and grading and giving quizzes and responding to emails is a lot. Doing laundry is a lot. Hosting small group is a lot. Getting up at 5:15 to run and swim is a lot. Life is really just filled with a lot right now...and honestly I can't decide to just cut back and make it easier.

But I can decide to enjoy the ride.

I can decide to not live in bitterness or resentment.

I can stop complaining that my school start time is later.

I can find joy.

And so on this Friday night I could choose a lot right now. I could choose to do laundry, I could choose to do homework, I could choose to grade my unit tests.

But sometimes the best way to refuel is stop and look back. To remember that this is just a season and it too will pass.

Life is always going to be a lot. So I better not kid myself. I can't change that...but I can choose how I handle the 'lot' that has been entrusted to me.

So with that I will find joy. I will choose to live with perspective...both in looking back and looking forward. I will live with less fear and more hope.

Joy.

Pretty sure I know what my 2019 word is going to be...

'6' T Summer 2018 Says...

So...

On August 9th of 2015 I posted that there was 23 hours and 50 minutes till I go back to work. And now it's another summer of lessons learned and there is always more to say...

On August 10th of 2016 at 12:10 am in the morning  I couldn't sleep. I had 55 hours and 48 minutes until I had go back and every time I faced this moment I realize the gift that time is. Whether it is is 10 minutes or 24 hours. Or 6 days or 3 years. It's all a gift.

On August 11, 2017 at 10:01 on Friday night and I could hear the rustling of Aidan playing Legos, I'm was waiting for Micah to get home from being out with friends and Jeremy and I just got back from date #3987 of the summer...out on the patio at Lucha by Clemet park.

Now it's August 10th, 2018 at 2:42 on my last Friday afternoon of Summer Break and I spent the morning shoveling dirt. For real. And it was ok. It was just a reminder of how time is a gift no matter what you are doing and so as Jeremy and Micah are at the dump I am reflecting so I don't miss it.

And this is my favorite way to remember the gift of summer and the gift of time.

So here it goes...

Do I say that I thought this summer was going to be really hard and it turned out to be an incredible blessing...but I was too stubborn to trust what which I could not see until it happened? Do I say that I am growing in this but wow still have so far to go?

Do I say that starting my summer going to Nebraska and make friendship bracelets and play water ballons with Audrey and Daniel was the reminder to play again and not just be productive all the time? Which I still struggle with and wish I could remember more and more in life.

Do I say that going to Utah with Aidan was a gift that I didn't expect especially when I have to go through the hard and frustration to get there, but wow when I do...It is so worth it. I got to have moments of jumping on the bed, talking about real life, jamming out together, and bonding that I so would have missed out on if I wasn't willing to get in the car and drive.

Do I say that playing cards with Micah out on the porch was such a gift and I know I can take this so much more than I do? And watching singing in the rain and going to the farmers market and all the stuff that I think I don't have time for but instead I am doing fake importance rather than this. I want more important than fake important that is for sure.

Do I say that I never never dreamed I would go to both Florida and Wisconsin this summer and BOTH happened because I let go and trusted beyond what I could see? And it was better than I ever imagined. I swam with sharks, I ate lobster, I had a dance party, I went to Black Lake every day, I went to Buck lake, I went to lunch at Kids Korner and ate it at the Rhinelander Court House, I watched fireworks over Hagerman Lake, I went tubing, I went to Fobs, I slept on the beach at the farthest Southern point in the US, and I soaked it all in. Because wow when you think you have something taken away that you take for granted you see it through a whole different lens. So wow.

Do I say that getting kayaks totally transformed how much water time I got and it was incredible? With God, with my family, and with my friends. And now I get to go again in a few hours. So blessed...again because I let go and trusted.

Do I say that time at home alone does not have to be filled but rather just the opposite? Allowing space in my life is always incredible.

Do I say that going to Kansas and watching Aidan play his last basketball games was so much fun and I was so stinking proud to see him play his guts out till the end? And watch him handle loss and growth so stinking incredibly. To see him end the way he did was a testimony to his strength and heart.

Do I say that watching Micah have success at state was so fun but also the reminder of why sharing success with others is all the sweeter? I know it was hard to him to be at the meet without his friends...and realize it's not just about the competition, but sports is about helping each other be better.

Do I say that God knew I needed to read the leadership books I did and make a Rule of Life, even though I feel like I am stinking blowing it all the time? That's not what it is about but rather about falling into God's grace every day even more.

Do I say that somehow I had one on one time with Jeremy, Micah, Aidan, God, myself, Amber, Rachel, Jenn, Shelley, and even Michelle in ways that I never expected? Again because I trusted and let go. I think God is up to something here...

Do I say that God's goodness is becoming more and more real to me and not just a theology that other people believe?

Do I say that my birthday this year was so sweet and good even though it didn't go according to 'plan' because we were delayed at the airport, but lunch at Qdoba and dinner at Uno Taco and sparkling water at the pond was better that I could have every imagined. Not because of what I am doing but because of who is at my side.

Do I say that I am ok not posting on social media so much because instead I am connecting deeper with fewer people? I am using Marco Pollo and feel more connected to Amber, Denise, and Rachel than ever. I am realizing life can be lived in a much more present way and I am willing to do it even if others don't understand or don't follow.

Do I say that this summer felt so long and I can't believe all that I was privileged to do? Do I say that contentment is more and more about choosing in the moment I am in rather than wishing for something else?

Do I say that I didn't get to sleep in on summer mornings and it was so much better that way. Oh I still would take time to drink coffee on the porch, but Jeremy and I are spurring each other on in ways that I feel so thankful for. Morning runs, morning hikes, morning devotions, morning shoveling. We are being so much more intentional and it sets the tone for the day. Love it.

Do I say that I didn't finish my to-do list at all and that is so ok? Because I invested in what I knew I needed to and I am learning to rest and trust.

Do I say that tutoring and school wasn't as bad as I thought it would be and I can see the blessing in it already?

Do I say that I love Apple Music and I am a nerd that totally listens to old 90s Christian music and I don't care that it has way too much saxophone it in. I love the memories it brings back for me.

Or do I just say that I know God is teaching me more and more to...

Let Go.

Trust.

And when I don't fight it and lean in I find so much rest and beauty. I find God blows me away in how He cares for me and my family and all of my fears.

And so I keep growing. And sometimes I fight, but as I keep listening to the lyrics of Hillsong Youth I know I love and want to fall into Him.

Just like this...

I've lived my life to the limit
Well I'm at the end of myself
I see the end that I know below me
Your love is waiting to catch

I'm falling into you
Cause no one's gonna
Love me like you do (alright)
I've got nothing to lose
So I can't stop, won't stop
Falling into you (alright)

The rush I've felt in the free-fall
As I lost control of my life
Jesus, I've found that
You've always had me
Your love is never in doubt

I wanna love you like you love me
I wanna love you like you love me

I'm falling into you
Cause no one's gonna
Love me like you do (alright)
I've got nothing to lose
So I can't stop, won't stop
Falling into you (alright)

I wanna love you like you love me
I wanna love you like you love me

I'm falling into you
Cause no one's gonna
Love me like you do (alright)
I've got nothing to lose
So I can't stop, won't stop
Falling into you (alright)

I'm falling into you
Cause no one's gonna
Love me like you do (alright)
I've got nothing to lose
So I can't stop, won't stop
Falling into you (alright)

I'm falling into you

And with that I will wrap up another summer and trust God has renewed me, will sustain me, and has great promises for the next year and beyond. Because that is just who God is.

"5" T Learning

I sat down to do something tonight that would remind me of who I want to be.

And I ended up here. Reading my old blog posts, and wow I love the reminders of the journey of life. Not at the time. Heck no. At the time I'm a selfish, uncompassionate, and impatient person. Who somehow doesn't believe in the hope of the situation even when I can look back and see how God has been faithful.

But the journey is once again being reminded that I can look back and read about how Mother's day in 2016 was hard and then in 2017 was so so sweet. It's about how I can read about Micah in his first days at Powderhorn, and the stories of stapling bananas on my classroom wall, and Aidan being in Utah and hurt, and the spring that we bought the Mercedes and Scott died.

And knowing the sweetness in life as well...the magical moment at the campground in Iowa, and taking Aidan to Chatfield to throw rocks, and going to New York unexpectedly.

And here's what I want to remember...to learn from those moments so I can respond better now.

So I don't get lulled to sleep and make selfish, uncompassionate, untrusting responses when Jeremy asks me to get a job for the summer. Or when someone at a party jokes about him following me out to Colorado. Or anytime that I don't protect and am unaware. Those are the moments that I want real change in. I will know what I mean when I read this again someday and that is all that matters. That I hold this story so I remember that I can learn from both the good and the bad.

I think sometimes I think it is about always embracing the sweet moments and holding to them, but I think I need to learn to remember that which has hurt and caused pain so I can learn to protect. I realized my whole life I have been taught to push and see how little protection I can live with. To need protection seemed so weak, so human.

But this morning the first song that came on was this...

Though I walk through the valley of the shadowAnd I stand face to face with the enemyI will know that I am not forsakenYou surround me when the fire's at my feet
You're my defenderYou fight for meI will rememberYou're all I needYou are my healerMy remedyAgainst the power of the unknownAnd I will not stand alone'Cause You're my defender
I can see You when the night is closing inAnd I will trust You when it seems that there's no hopeAnd I hold tight to the promise You have given'Cause this I know and I am confident
You're my defenderYou fight for meI will rememberYou're all I needYou are my healerMy remedyAgainst the power of the unknownAnd I will not stand alone'Cause You're my defenderYou're my defender

And so that is the truth I am holding to on 5-15-2018. When I'm overwhelmed with school, and discouraged with our money situation, and wondering how to find rest. I am allowing God to defend me. Because I am so weak, so human. And for once I might see that as a good thing.

"4" T-Better

I have a lot on my heart right now but as I type I think what I most want to share is this...

I went driving around the other night...I just needed to not be productive for every minute of every day...and so I ended up at the Columbine memorial. And I can across this quote..

"I hope people come to this place to think about how they themselves can be better people rather than come here to reflect on death".

Dang.

Death. I've had to face this early in life. And then this year with a suicide of a boy I never really met, but was friends with so many at our school, it became a lot more real again. And then the person that has caused the most pain in our family dies. And I didn't know how to process it. 

So God brought me the truth that I don't have to reflect on death, but I can instead think about how I can be better because of it. I can be better because of it. I can be better because of it. 

I have a choice. I can allow myself to reflect on how I want to love people. I can reflect on who I want to become. I can reflect on how I want to respond when other's are hurting. 

I can be better because of it. 

I actually believe that truth, because I have already had that seed planted in my life. I know that doesn't mean I don't admit the pain and hurt and sorrow that happens because of death, but I know that death doesn't have to come with only the hurt, pain, and sorrow. I have learned so much from losing my mom at a young age. I believe I have become a better person because of it. 

And I can again. I can even when a person who has caused so much pain to so many people dies. I can choose what to reflect on. And so tonight that is how I am processing and healing. It doesn't mean I have this all figured out and will always know this truth. But I know I want to return to this truth, because God has promised healing, love, and hope. 

Dang. 

"3" T

Truth is.

God's goodness is there

When I have homework stressing me out.
When my dress has a 3 inch hole in it.
When the sun shines on me outside at lunch in my ripped up backyard.
When Aidan is crying in pain because of pushing it too hard at his games this weekend.
When Micah is grumpy.
When Jeremy and me are in a bad place.
When Jeremy and me are in a great place.
When I don't know what the best decision is for the future.
When I am sick of writing papers and doing discussions.
When I have no time.
When I have extra time.
When it takes me a week to watch a 45 minute episode of This is Us.
When Summer is only 6 weeks away.
When Summer is unknown and we haven't bought plane tickets YET with our vouchers.
When I make extra money tutoring.
When I'm exhausted from early morning Saturday practice.
When we sneak in a hike on a Sunday afternoon.
When the game goes to overtime.
When they lose in overtime.
When I have so many unknowns.
When I'm tired.
When I have laundry piling up.
When I'm writing papers at Modern Market on a Wednesday night.
When we wonder how the heck everyone else seems to have plenty of money for new cars, new bikes, and vacations.
When I feel that everyone around me isn't aware and taking care of me.

Truth is.

Life isn't about the moment I'm in. It isn't about circumstances. It isn't about the sun shining. It isn't about the games won or lost.

It is about all of it. It is about God's goodness through it all. 

All. Of. It. 

That is where I'm trying to be on a Thursday night in April.

"2" Truth Do this instead...

Truth is...I almost just went to Facebook instead of writing this.

But, I know I need a soul check and this is going to turn me a little more back in the direction of renewing than a social media check will. So here's what truth I have to share for today...

Truth is...laughing with Micah tonight over silly games and coming up with words for the alphabet was the types of memories I want to make. I laughed till I cried, I can't remember the last time I did that. So needed.

Truth is...I walked during my 'run' today and thought a lot about happy failures. Thought about if my goal was to run the whole time I would have failed. But if my goal was to get outside and be in the sun, and move my body, and be thankful...totally success.

Truth is...tutoring someone their math facts is a level of creative teaching that I haven't had to do in a long time, but it helps remind me that I always have more to learn. It helps remind me that learning is a process and watching someone learn is a gift that I have been entrusted with.

Truth is...I am stinking tired. I don't know how much longer I can keep up taking classes, teaching, tutoring, and figuring out my kid's schedules. But the more I allow myself to be still in the midst of all of this the more that gets done. That's a weird truth.

Truth is...being a parent is hard. Really hard, but man the rewards of the last two days were all the sweeter because of how hard Thursday night was. Watching 50 First Dates and eating granola bars...leaning in and enjoying the gift of time together. Like actual be together time.

Truth is...God is good. Even when we have to fix the Subaru, pay taxes, fix the deck, and say no to Hawaii.

Truth. So much better for my soul.

#1 "T" Truth First Steps...

Truth is life is kicking my butt and I'm in urgent mode way more than important or reflective mode. So I'm choosing to take time for important so my soul can be filled. With truth. With love. With what matters. 

Step 1) Post word for 2018

Truth is some years I pick my words and some years my words pick me. Truth is this word has already helped me grow in my relationships as I have journeyed into examining God’s deep love for me and others. Truth is we all need more of this in our lives...especially in a world that tries to feed us with false and pretend and images and performances. Truth is God already brings this in His word and shows us the way. Truth is when I sing my old campfire song “blind man”...which my boys renamed it “the truth song”...I know this is what I long for more in life...at 12, at 40, and hopefully at 87. Truth is without this we are all just walking around wondering what to build our lives on. Truth is I’m going to lean into this more than ever...because I have already started to experience the sweetness of knowing the blessing when you do. #truth2018#bringit

Blind Man...old campfire song lyrics

“Blind man sat by the road and he cried...Blind man sat by the road and he cried. Blind man sat by the road and he cried...show me the way...show me the truth. Show me the light...the way to go home. “

“Woman sat by the well and she cried...Woman sat by the well and she cried Woman sat by the well and she cried...show me the way...show me the truth. Show me the light...the way to go home. “

“Jesus hung on the cross and he died...Jesus hung on the cross and he cried...Jesus hung on the cross and he cried...I am the way...I am the truth. I am the light...the way to go home.”

“Jesus rose from the dead he’s alive ...Jesus rose from the dead he’s alive...Jesus rose from the dead he’s alive... He is the way...He is the truth. He is the light...the way to go home.”

Step 2) This. 

Step 3) Recognize the in-between times and use them to breathe. To reflect. To give. They are there, just need to stop and listen (selah) more. 

Step 4) Peace.