#20- Lentils and A Party of 4

New Year's Eve. And we are staying home. I actually haven't left the house all day. Just took a shower at 5:30 tonight because I decided that I needed to get dressed for some reason.

We decided we were staying home and just being as a family. I know it's best. I decided this hours ago. But what I am realizing about myself is how many times I have to keep "re-deciding" and trusting the decision I made. And that is just silly. I spend entirely too much time on these types of decisions in life. And it is time to grow.

And so I am 'saying it out loud' because if there is anything I have learned it is that once I realize and reflect on something about myself the root only takes place if I 'plant it' (I understand that metaphor even if nobody else does :)).

We are staying home.

We are a party as a family of 4.

We can eat lentils and bread for dinner.

Special is what you make it.

Time to go grab my boy and make that "Auld Lang Syne" canvas for the kitchen.

You were a great year 2014. I'm thankful I got to live it. 

In the words of my mom..."Life is a gift. To live is an opportunity. To grow old a privilege".  

I'm older than last year. Privilege.

#19 "Nothing to say really"

Yesterday my cousin called me twice. Not that this is unusual, sometimes we talk and/or leave messages several times a day with each other. We have nicknamed our voice mail actual therapy. But the reason I write this is because on the second voice mail she said, "I have nothing to say, I just missed you and was running errands and wanted you to be with me as I did." Love that.

Love that in the last year I have embraced the idea of being. Love that I am sitting here right now with a fireplace going and I've learned the importance of embracing the in-between of life. Love that I grabbed the book "Overcoming Overload" that embraces the idea of how God built us to live a life that we recharge, renew, reflect, revive, relax, and restore. I get it. You don't have to tell me twice that we need to fight for that in our lives. We have chosen our whole careers around that idea. We have chosen to return to our roots for months at a time. And you know what happens when you start to live that way? You keep living that way.

In the past year I have had more campfires than ever. I have had stillness.I have had craziness. I have been mentally refreshed and been mentally a whirlwind. I have held tight. I have let go. I have been compassionate. I have been the queen of stubborn.  I have caught myself time and time again realizing what I am saying and how I am acting isn't who I want to become. It's humbling. But sometimes I also catch myself being more of who I do want to be. And I think what the heart of what I have learned in the year of "become" is that there is going to be a lot of junk in me and there is going to be a lot of victory.

Like when you are crabby at the person at the breakfast burrito place because you are stinking hungry, want to be on the road, and you can see your food sitting there waiting for you. Junk.

Like Christmas Eve night when you sing songs to your boy before bed when tucking him in. And after you pray he responds with a prayer of his own from the heart. Victory.

Like when you stop for breakfast after driving through the night and you are tired and an ice storm has hit and you order cinnamon rolls and enjoy time together no matter what. Another victory.

Like when you yell at your husband in Walmart because you are trying to buy jeans for your son and he takes your other son to go look at electronics (to help you out, but instead you assume that he is just leaving you to make your job harder). More junk.

You embrace both. You refine. You reflect. And as I sit here "with nothing to say really" I hope that I continue to embrace both. I hope that I understand it the bit by bit moments and how you respond to them that continue to create who you become. I'm pretty sure I'm going to keep having both failures and victories in life. I'm pretty sure I am going to keep learning.

Pretty sure that is why God does this life with us. Step by step. Bit by bit.

#18 Sometimes by step

If I wasn't giving away all of these Velveteen Rabbit books right now and reflecting on how my word has impacted who I want to be so much I might not of caught it.

But I am reflecting.
But I am thinking about who I want to be.
But I am embracing that this whole process of bit by bit is a gift.

And so when Micah asked me what my favorite song was the other night I didn't hesitate for a second, I said, "Sometimes By Step" by Rich Mullins. We played it at our wedding and it has been the song that every time I hear it I still stop and listen.

Sometimes the night was beautiful
Sometimes the sky was so far away
Sometimes it seemed to stoop so close
You could touch it but your heart would break
Sometimes the morning came too soon
Sometimes the day could be so hot
There was so much work left to do
But so much You'd already done
Oh God, You are my God
And I will ever praise You
Oh God, You are my God
And I will ever praise You
And I will seek You in the morning
And I will learn to walk in Your ways
And step by step You'll lead me
And I will follow You all of my days
Sometimes I think of Abraham
How one star he saw had been lit for me
He was a stranger in this land
And I am that, no less than he
And on this road to righteousness
Sometimes the climb can be so steep
I may falter in my steps
But never beyond Your reach
Oh God, You are my God
And I will ever praise You
Oh God, You are my God
And I will ever praise You
I will seek You in the morning
And I will learn to walk in Your ways
And step by step You'll lead me
And I will follow You all of my days
And I will follow You all of my days
And I will follow You all of my days
And step by step You'll lead me
And I will follow You all of my days
And I will follow You all of my days
(Sometimes the night was beautiful)
(And I will follow You all of my days)
Sometimes the night, it was beautiful
(Sometimes the night was beautiful)
(And I will follow You all of my days)
Oh no, so beautiful
(Sometimes the night was beautiful)
(And I will follow You all of my days)

(And I will follow You all of my days)
(And I will follow You all of my days)
Oh God, you are my God
(And I will follow You all of my days)
Oh God, you are my God
(And I will follow You all of my days)
(And I will follow You all of my days)
Sometimes the night was beautiful
(And I will follow You all of my days)
Sometimes the night
(And I will follow You all of my days)

Learn to walk in your ways. Seriously God? Why not run? Why not have this thing down and don't have to learn? Why follow? 

All things that are by no means my natural "Rachel" response. I want to run. I want to check it off my list. And I want to lead. 

But you say step by step. You say sometimes. You say ever praise You.  That is the heart of my word, "Become" this year...to invest in the process. I have even changed my whole grading practice to reflect that, but I still fight it my own self. 

And this whole Christmas season has reminded me of the importance that not everything (yeah..., let's just say hardly any of it) is practical. Wrap presents? Just to throw away the paper? Put up a tree? Just to take it down? Shop for presents for somebody so you can exchange gifts with them? It's all quite silly. But it is who we want to become. People who celebrate. People who don't live life day by day because it is the most practical way to do it. It's not all about efficiency. 

Sometimes it is about living life. Embrace that. And follow all of your days. 

Step.

By.
Step.  

;)

#17. The Giver. The Victory.

Dang. You can't watch a movie like that and not be moved. Not if God is always doing a work in you. And I believe He is doing a work in all of us. His word even says so...

"He who began a good work in you, will be faithful to complete it."

And The Giver reminds you of that more than I can put into words.

It reminds me...

...that we don't want sameness in life.
...that life without love is empty.
...that life without choice is not just empty, it's more painful than taking the risk of making the wrong choices.

Because we all do.

We all choose wrong at times. We are just like Adam and Eve.

BUT...we when we choose right...it is all the sweeter. That is when we choose life. That is when we  choose to give to others. That is when we choose to go beyond our selfishness and the victory is unbelievable. God wants us to go beyond our flesh. God gives us the victory to do so.

That is what "The Giver" reminded me of today. Of victory.

And man who doesn't want more reminders of that in life? I know I do. I know those victories lie around the corner throughout our days. I know that we can screw up one moment and then lay down ourselves the next. That moves me and inspires me to keep having God be faithful to complete the work He has started in me.

That reminds me. I have some sleeping boys to give some extra kisses to right now :) 

#16-The Process

Tired. The first quarter of the school year is so much about teaching the process. It is so much more than teaching the math. That is the easy part most days. It is about teaching the process of how to take a quiz and not just stop there. It is about teaching the process of learning how to do your math homework over a week instead of nightly. It is about teaching the process of how to persevere. And in teaching it, I have to learn it myself. Because you can't teach that which you don't know...yikes.

Done some things right in the last few months. Done some things wrong. Just like the last 37 years have been. And you know what...I'm growing. I give my students process grades because I think you need to INVEST in the process. I think you need to realize that it is ok that you don't get something right away...but it is not ok to stay in that place.

All. Year. Long. That. Is. The. Lesson.

I am discovering that it isn't about getting it right all the time. But it is about getting it right a little more bit by bit.

I am learning how to put aside self a little more.
I am learning how to practice the mindset that "life isn't fair...but we really wouldn't want it to be anyway."
I am learning how to teach in an environment that has been so much harder because of more preps and more rotations and everything different every day, all day long.
I am learning that investing in phone calls home to parents means that taking the time upfront is worth the investment. It means that today I called a parent and said, "Sam (name changed) is having an awesome day...just wanted to let you know that."
I am learning. And I will continue to.

I will invest.
Bit by bit.
I will become.
Bit by bit.
I will inspire.
Bit by bit.
I will grow.
Bit by bit.

#15- What I say...what what they say

As I went to title this post I couldn't even think of how to capture all that I want to say.

I want to say that I am beyond thankful for a day home with Micah even though it was the result of being in the ER with him last night.

I want to say that taking off a day today was no big deal  and I don't need a "mom badge" for doing so. I feel like I got the "win" by being home. I feel like last night when we were at the hospital I knew that being home today was exactly what I needed and God knew too.

I want to say that I am not only older, but so much wiser. I feel like this year I "get it" more than ever. I get what is important. I get that what I do contributes to who I want to be each day. I get that when I put away the shopping carts in the parking lots I am doing more than putting away shopping carts...I am becoming more of that person. That person that isn't so self absorbed. I get that some days I will take care of Jeremy and some days he will take care of me. It's not a game at all. It's a life together that is made up of the whole...not the pieces.

I want to say that when you go into a week all prepared and then stuff like last night happens...you just punt. And that is ok.

I want to say that my homework systems are driving me crazy. They suck and need to change. And that is ok.

Life isn't about having it all figured out. Nothing like a son with an unknown allergy to let you know that. But I'm pretty sure it is about having trust in the One who does. Pretty sure that I am a so much closer to that than I was on that earlier this year. For sure I'm closer today than I  was in the last 20 years, maybe even more than last week...or yesterday.

And that is who I want to be.

Closer.
Each.
Day.

I want to say that when I reach the end of this gift of life that God has given me...I hope my life reflects that. I hope what others say is that the pieces of my messed up life, when put together made sense of the whole. The whole that screams Philipians 1:6 a little bit louder...


He who began a good work in you...is faithful to complete it. He. Will. Complete. It. That's a promise I can't just skim over. There are times I will punt. There are times that what you  thought would work, doesn't. There are times when I will be going the wrong direction. But I know that there are times when touchdowns are thrown. There are times when games are won in the last quarter. And those are the games that are talked about in life.

And I darn well know that when I reach the end of the day and I tell my 10 year old son that it is time for bed and he responds " ok mom, but can we keep talking? " that I have completed so much more than a first down. I know that I have invested in what is important for that day.

I want to say that I don't have it figured out.
I still will punt.
I will throw touchdowns.
It is all ok.

What will be talked about of me? That's what I want 'to say" each day.

#14- Bananas on the Wall

So I'm had like 42 defining moments this summer about who I want to become and have them all backed up in my brain so maybe I will be "plunging" for a while here. But I need to start with this one. This one was important.

So yesterday I was in my classroom setting up for the year and my boys were with me. They were basically in my way if I am honest. I was trying to do stuff and they were interuppting me...and then every time I tried to teach them how to help me with something it was taking longer.

Story goes... I was taping the numbers on the desk and Aidan asked if he could help so I had him hold the tape for me. Well, it was actually slower with two people and he could tell I was all annoyed with him. So we went over to do something else and so I kept going. All of the sudden I realized what a jerk I was being, not like I needed to realize it. His face said it all. So I said, "buddy why aren't you helping me anymore?" and he responds with, "you didn't really seem like you wanted me to".

Damn. The moment of truth.

The moment when you realize that's not who you want to be.

So I finished the desks and moved onto the next project feeling like the crappy mom and wondering now I think I know I don't want to be that person what do I? Well, Aidan helped me figured that out without even knowing it. I dumped out a bag of old bulletin board stuff and found what I needed. He came over and got all excited about the monkeys and bananas and asked if he could hang them up.

I said sure.

That little word made all the difference. He got to work and found this cool space to make his design and Micah joined in and they were part of it with me.

That was the story I wanted to tell. That was one that makes me smile each day as I walk into my classroom. Not the tape being all perfect on the desks. Not the pieces that break a child's heart. But the ones that build them up. The ones that they feel like they belong.

Welcoming people into what you are doing might not always mean they do exactly what you want but it's better. It's bananas and monkeys on the wall. 

Watch for posts on :)
-The pancake breakfast
-Roasting marshmellows
-Back the the Future
-Packer training camp high-fives 

#13 -The List

Thinking a lot about life right now and what I want it to be. Maybe it's the promise of summer and knowing that the days just wait to be filled with life. Maybe it's the idea of selling our house to by something that is a project because that might just be more fulfilling. Maybe it's the wonder of dreaming of camping and sailing and freedom. But I know that I don't want to be boring. That's the scariest being of all.  And I know this because last week during Spirit Week when I was dressed from head to toe in bright pink somebody said to me..."nobody ever accused you of being boring...you are one electric lady" and my heart seriously smiled. Because I have hit a point in life where I don't do it for attention, I don't do it out of fear, I do it because that is how I am most me.

So maybe this post is for listing the 13 things that I want to do (or keep doing) that aren't boring...

1. Rock Climb
2. Paint
3. Road Trip
4. Sail and Snorkal
5. Teach
6. Be a mom
7. Adventure with Jeremy...be crazy because it's what we do best. Don't even care what this looks like...I just know when we AREN'T doing it.
8. Have less stuff
9. Find a house with potential
10. Surprise others.
11. Soak in Hot Springs.
12. Start a Jimmy John's.
13. Play games, jump on the trampoline, be silly, and roll down hills. That.

Maybe instead of calling it "not boring" maybe I should call it the "stay alive" list.

Being alive.  I like it.

#12 Roots

So I had this great conversation yesterday with a co-worker after work as I learned more about her life and at the end of it I said...

"I knew you had roots that ran deep. I knew it before you even shared today. I see it in how you live."

And then I went on to share that I heard that it was proven that trees in an artificial environment won't develop roots because there is no wind and they will then topple over. Now I have yet to know if that is Scientifically true. I looked today and being the non-scientist that I am I found nothing except for that trees with rotten roots will die in a storm. Which probably is another whole blog post that we could make an analogy for...

But. The point is that it is definitely true in people's lives. You know those people before words even come out of their mouth telling you their story. You know that life has thrown some tough stuff and then some at them. You know that they have let those stories create deep roots in their life. Roots that run deep. Roots that don't rot. Roots that mean they grew and will continue to grow.

And so I ask the scary question...do I try to hide from the wind and create a safe environment for myself or do I embrace the wind? Do I have roots myself? Where did my roots come from?

And when the wind comes do I let it make me become the tree that then can be a shelter for others?

And here is the best analogy of all...most wind isn't a huge storm. That would knock us down when we are little saplings. That wind is the one we don't even notice, but it makes all the difference in the world. It's the ways you respond when you are irritated, tired, and hungry. It's how you respond when life isn't fair. When you have to grocery shop. When you get samples at Costco. When you go to DC with a bunch of crazy 8th graders and love it and are wiped at the same time. And how you respond when exhausted that next Monday morning at school with, "it was awesome" instead of focusing on the tough parts. It's how you handle when once again your co-worker doesn't do their part and you are left to figure out what to do anyway.

It's the day to day tough stuff. That gentle breeze that makes our roots grow a little deeper. A bet it happens bit by bit :) Nobody is a tree with roots overnight. Dang. But those roots that run deep. Those are worth living for.

#11-Getting Old is a Privilege

(Started this post weeks ago...thought I should post it even if it wasn't "complete"...pretty sure this will be an ongoing thought and process in my life :))

This isn't a new concept. We all think about getting older, but lately I have been having more out loud conversations about it. And I truly like having them. I truly like thinking about if I am ok with this getting closer to 40 thing and what it means to me.

All along 43 has been in the back of my mind. 43. So young. Yet, somehow we only realize that when a life comes to an end early. Why don't we realize that when we are 43? Because it is so easy to see in others. It is so easy to not appreciate it till it is gone. That is what happened on May 13, 1995. That was when my mom only lived 43 years. And I never once thought that was old. I didn't fully grasp it but even when I was 17 I knew that 43 was young.

But when it is your age everything changes. Somehow it doesn't matter how old the people around you are. Somehow age doesn't matter as much as the depth of living it. And I'm not just saying that because it sounds good on a a blogpost. I'm saying that because I really have learned a lot about embracing that getting.old.is.a.privilege.

A privilege is something that you...

(...and that is where I finished that thought weeks again and have returned again today only to still need time to think about what is a privilege?  Are they earned? Are you sometimes born into them (like money)? Is it because of the choices you make? Others make? Is there grace in privileges? And so my thoughts on this continue...) 

So...I will embrace the privilege that I will be back another day (when I am older ;)) to add to this.

#10- Lukewarm

Bit by bit, time flies.

How is it April 6th already? How it is that I have had all this intention to keep posting and then all the sudden it is 6 weeks later?

So...I think that is why it is so important to invest. Because all the sudden days, months, and years go past and you wonder have I become that I want to be? But that isn't really what I want to talk about tonight. I want to talk about this idea of lukewarm in life.

I have been thinking a lot about the whole idea that lukewarm water doesn't get hot without action. Action. But lukewarm can just get colder with doing nothing. Nothing. And no wonder Jesus said he would spit out the lukewarm. Because Jesus didn't give up everything so we could do nothing. And so I am looking at my life and being honest about what I am doing nothing in and thinking it is time to take action. I am thinking about how last week Pastor Bruce said "nobody wakes up and decides today I want to yell at those around me. Or today I want to steal money from the church. Or today I want to be prideful and impatient. " But you can wake up and say, "by the grace of God I will wake up today and be patient, and not give into sin. I will be kind and loving and I will become more of who Jesus wants me to be." Action.

Action is going to make that water warmer. And warmer.

And bit by bit it will become hot. And that is what I want to be.

So my first action has been to read my Bible everyday. I loaded the plan on my phone and I am listening to the word. I am reading it. Sometimes while I blow-dry my hair. Sometimes while I wait in line at the grocery store. But bit by bit I am going to read the whole Bible. Because that is action that is promised to change us. Living and active word of God.

And by the way that Pharoah. He was crazy. And that Joseph. His love for his brothers blows me away. And that Jesus. He had some great stuff to say about the kingdom of God.

#9-Dumping out my purse on the bleachers

I probably wouldn't have done it if I didn't just finish reading Packing Light and thinking about all the stuff we have in life that just becomes more stuff.

I probably wouldn't have done it if I didn't already have old purses laying around that I was going to someday use again but never do.

I probably wouldn't have done it if I was more attached to it in the first place.

But I was all those things and I did do it.

I dumped out all my stuff out of my purse to give it to somebody who said they liked it.

I thought,...travel light. Be more generous. Be more spontaneous. Be more of that person that you want to be become. And what will you remember more?  That time when somebody said they liked your purse and you said, "thanks" or the time you said..."you can have it, I just ordered a new one anyway". And dumped it all out. Even with no plan of how you were going to carry your stuff to the car without it.

Be that person.

#8-Parables of Legos

Seriously. I think if Legos were around in Biblical times I think Jesus would have used them for all of his parables. They carry so much depth and application to our lives it is incredible. And my story of Legos for today is as follows...

Micah got out the Duplos today. Funny because he has hundreds of dollars in "regular Legos" but he had a grand ole' time building with big huge blocks and new creations.

New creations. Let me say it again, new creations.

And that is what is so profound about Legos. You can take all these pieces that were originally made for a certain set and then put them together in new ways and then you have a new creation.

Not like this is a whole new revolution or anything, I mean the whole "Lego Movie" that just came out was all about this idea. But what was a new revolution for me tonight was how Micah handled when we said, "ok time to clean up the Legos" before bed. I knew he was still in the middle of something. I knew he didn't want to have to take it all apart and build again tomorrow. I saw it in his face, but he let go anyway. He rolled with it. And I think it was a lesson we all need to be reminded of...

You know, that "creation" that you put your heart and soul into today or in the last year and then you are told, "time to clean up" when you weren't finished with it yet. Or you don't want to have to start over with again tomorrow. Yeah, that one. Are you willing to let it go so a new creation can be made?

And the really cool thing that I saw today was what happens when you wait and come back to it. Micah at age eight played with Duplos a lot different than he did at age three. He had new ideas. He had had years of experience. He grew. And probably grew bit by bit.

And when he gets out the Duplos tomorrow or even if he goes back to his "regular Legos" he will have grown a little more. Because he put all the Legos away even when he didn't want to. He obeyed even if he didn't think he could rebuild something exactly the same way he did today. And I bet you his new creation tomorrow will be just that...a new creation.

I bet obedience will result in something even better. Because God is just like that in our lives. That pile of Legos that is just waiting to be turned into a new creation...but first you need to put away what you built today even if you don't want to. Especially then. We can learn a lot from an eight year old's response. Just roll with it. And trust.

#7- Is Forrest right? Is it both?

So I accidentally started reading this book lately called "Traveling Light". I downloaded a sample and then got sucked into it somehow since I keep using my "in-between times" for more useful things than Facebook and checking the weather 14 times a day.

And it is one of those books where it (so far) has inspired me, ticked me off, and made me jealous all at the same time. It's one of those written by someone who was 26 at the time so of course quitting your job and leaving it all behind to write a book and travel is (in my eyes) a wussy risk. So it makes me wonder what do I see has a huge risk but to someone on the outside they see as a wussy risk? What comfort is easier to give up at 36 than at 46? And 56? And why?

I'm really not sure where all of this is fitting into my "becoming" but I know it falls under this whole bit by bit deal somehow.

Bit by bit you accumulate junk.

Bit by bit you look at other people's stories and instead of being excited for them you have that passing thought...wish that was me. Wish that was me on vacation or up in the mountains skiing.

Bit by bit you get judgmental. 
 
Bit by bit you start thinking ideas that once were crazy but possible have become less possible.

Bit by bit you slowly fade.

I'm not trying to sound pessimistic here or even dooms day, but if you don't catch it or weed it out when you are 36 you sure as heck aren't going to when you are 46. 

This whole pick up and go was something Jesus asked his disciples to do, "drop your nets and follow me." Truth is that analogy is so far from having to give up my comfort that I can't even connect to what my "nets" are right now that Jesus wants me to give up. And the cool thing was when Jesus asked them he wasn't asking them to give it up all for crap. Truly. He was asking them to give it up for a fuller life. A more abundant life.

a·bun·dant [uh-buhn-duhnt] 

adjective

1.

present in great quantity; more than adequate; oversufficient: an abundant supply of water.

2.

well supplied; abounding: a river abundant in salmon.

3.

richly supplied: an abundant land.

 

Overflowing. That doesn't sound like something that Jesus gives us bit by bit, that sounds like a bam I got this moment. That makes me think that this whole idea of "He must become more and I must become less" isn't so we can slowly let God fill us up. It is because He wants the space to fill us with the overflowing life...all at once. This I like. This I can get excited about. 

 

This is why I read stuff that pisses me off and challenges me to go beyond the "well that sounds great in theory" but what applying it to my "suburban 36 year old life filled with teaching, sports-practices, homework, a car that is in the shop from an accident, and making meals from scratch?" How do I let down my net and follow him?

 

Is it like Forrest Gump said? Is it both? Is it bit by bit and all at once? 

 

The only way you know is if you let go. Both bit by bit and all at once. Yikes.   

#6-Become. More. Content.

When I stripped down my heart's desire tonight I say that at the core...

I. want. to. become. more. content.

I have struggled with this in my life in some capacity for my whole life. When I was in Junior High I compared myself to those who wore Guess jeans and I didn't. And that still shows up in my life as a 36 year old today. And as much as I know this quality has had it's strange benefits...like it has pushed me to become who I am through always pushing the limit and wondering what else could be possible in this situation? I know it is time to allow it to swing to the other side. To stop wondering all the time if I should move to the ocean or the mountains or teach art or buy end tables or grow my hair long or cut it short. Because truly I will always be discontent in something. And knowing that actually brings this weird freedom, to be more content. So here's to be content in discontentment. Because as Paul said "I have learned to be content in all circumstances and I know that it in Him that I have strength."

Interesting combination of thoughts. Strength through contentment in all circumstances. That is more of who I want to become.

#5- To the tune of "Little by little in Every Day..."

So how do you become more patient?

Let me tell you how you don't first...

You don't react in the flesh.
You don't assume you know anything about the situation.
You don't get emotionally involved beyond the situation.
You don't act in ways that you have to apologize for later.

Tonight. 2 stories. One with apologies, one without.

#1-Micah is at swim practice and he comes to me upset. Visually upset, which eventually turns to tears. Everything in me wanted to do 2 things. #1-Take my ball and go home. #2-Tell of the stupid teenager coach who I have never liked. She yells. She doesn't understand Micah's personality. She tells him he is the problem when I know he isn't. I talk to Micah. I talk to her. I seek understanding. Check box #1...not reacting and instead finding out what the situation is. That my friends is patience. No apologies, I reacted in kindness and patience and Micah ended with swimming a 50 and on the up. I will talk to the head coach tomorrow so that I can bring some resolution to all that happened.

#2-I'm on the phone talking to my dad. Boys are starting to make lunches. All heck breaks loose. They are massively screwing around and Aidan throws Micah's lunchbox and I get ticked. I start yelling from upstairs. Then I come down and find out Aidan is mimicking me under his breath. So I react. I try to get his attention and turn him towards me and he gets more frustrated. I get more frustrated. And by this time something so small has turned into an emotional disaster. Why? Because I reacted in the flesh.  I assumed the worst out of him. I assumed he wanted to be silly to frustrate and upset me and disobey. Really he just was responding out of immaturity. The same thing that I responded to an hour earlier like a rockstar. Not this time. We made the best of it and he said he was overtired and wanted to go to bed. I think truly that was the heart of it all along. He was tired. I was still frustrated from swim practice and responded to that.

Bit by bit. You become.

And then tonight I tucked my overtired son in and sang him a song from when I was a kid with the words, "He's changing me...my precious Jesus...I'm not the same person that I used to be...it's been slow going but now I'm knowing that someday perfect I will be. Little by little in every day...little by little in every way...He's changing me. He's changing me..."

For real. Those were the words that came to me tonight. And for real He's changing me. I might apologize through it. But I'm thankful that His spirit is working in me. His spirit is helping me become more of not only who I want to be but who He created me to be. A loving, patient, and real person.

#4- It's in the putting away the grocery cart and the waterfoutain type stuff...

Nothing magical I am going to share in this post. Nothing ground breaking. No great a-ha moments. Rather I am finding my word is changing me in the little stuff right now.

And that is just what I need it to do.

I want to be the person who gets out of the way for people to use the water fountain at the gym while you fill up your water bottle.

I want to be the person who puts my grocery cart away in the parking lot.

I want to be the person who when somebody drops something you pick it up for them.

I want to be the person who asks somebody how they are doing because you remember that a few weeks ago they were having back pain.

I want to be the person who doesn't ask people if they need help...you just take action in the moment because you are aware.  

I want to be the person who remembers to text my husband when I am out for the night that I am back at the hotel safe.

I want to be the person who is aware and thoughtful. I want to look beyond myself. And I think I have found that those little things are what create you into an overall aware person. Of others' thoughts, feelings, and needs. I can't just think that big change will happen in my heart without the little changes.

So yeah, maybe it is more ground breaking in my life that I knew. Maybe all these little things that I do will help me become more of the compassionate person that I long to be.

And right now it will just start by helping my son find the Lego that he can't find. Because he was being thoughtful and shared his Legos with his cousin. As always...I can learn from my kids and their big hearts towards others.

Go.

#3-"Unbecoming"

This is the post you don't want to write. This is the post that is the opposite of the FB showcase. This is the post that must be written for growth to happen.

So here it is.

I was talking to my cousin the other day about my word and we were joking around about if it is possible to unbecome something. Like what about the stuff in your life that you want to get rid of that is not who you want to become. And she said "unbecome is a word...like you look unbecoming in that dress...you know it doesn't look good". And we laughed some more about how that isn't really what I am shooting for to be ugly. And then I hung up the phone and didn't think more of it until today.

When I looked at how my selfish and uncontent attitude that has been creeping up lately is really unbecoming. And I know I need to fight it. I have been home for the last two weeks which means I have the oppourtunity be reminded more than usual that I don't have new blinds for the house. And I don't have the pictures I want on the walls. And I don't have coffee tables. And I haven't gone skiing or to Toyko or anywhere else that everyone (yes, everyone!) has gone over break. I only went to Texas. Poor me.

So I focused on it more and more. I looked online for new coffee tables. I looked at Ikea. I whined. And it became more and more unbecoming.

And so today after church I decided to "change my clothes". I walked out of church and said, "you guys ready to go sledding?" And so we came home...used what we had (I don't have NorthFace Ski pants...gasp! And Aidan's ski pants were too small so I gave him mine and wore my mom's pants from 1992...literally.) And guess what? It was much more of who I want to become. It was much more becoming to sled down the hill in my old pants laughing and having a grand time with my kids than sitting on Google trying to search for coffee tables that really don't exist anyway.

And we broke the sled. And laughed. And went to Starbucks with the giftcard that we had. And came home and shoveled the driveway together. And the picture we "painted" of today captured more of what I want to become. What I want my boys to become. What God wants us to become.

And I thought...this battle of unbecoming isn't as hard to fight as I thought. It just takes action. Fighting action that God has equipped us with all along.

The battle of contentment is worth fighting for. I will fight. Again and again. And. Again.