#21" E The Lighthouse Lego

I got my first Lego for Christmas and it changed me. It was the first gift that I have gotten that needed to really pay attention to and be present to enjoy fully. It was the first gift that I have gotten that came in pieces. 538 to be exact. And I had to follow the directions to create the goal. And I had to take it apart sometimes when I missed something. But I knew. I knew that I would have a lighthouse that lit up in the end.

And I wondered is that how God sees us?

He knows. He knows that we come in pieces and sometimes we look at them and think is this really going to make a lighthouse and a killer whale in the end? And we wonder...how is this going to work? How is this piece really going to help the end goal? But it does. And he knew all along.

He knew that every piece had a purpose and a place. He knew that sometimes we need to take things apart for them to get put back together the right way. And he is stinking patient. That is what struck me more than anything in building my Lego. It took me 4 hours! And I thought it was going to be a quick 20 minutes. But the good stuff doesn't get built in 20 minutes in our lives...it takes hours. Days, years, really. To create the stuff that we look at and say "wow that's so cool...that must have taken hours to build."

And God just looks at us and smiles and says, "yep, it did. And look at how all these pieces turned into this amazing life."

He knows and knew all along. That's the part that makes my heart happy everyday as our Lego pieces of life might look like they are just a pile of Legos. They so aren't. There is so much potential in those little pieces. Just wait and see.  

#20 "E" I can't be that teacher...

So I'm totally inspired by this I Can't Be That Mom read last night and I knew the second I read it I had to make my own version of it.

So here it goes...

I can't be that teacher that leaves sub plans that are 17 pages long and tell you every detail about how Sally needs to make sure she gets along with Suzy. Or how Joey needs to be reminded of how to turn in his paper. Or how to put away everything in the bookcases just so.

But I will be the teacher that when I get back look for students that were kind and helpful and celebrate the good that the sub leaves in the report.

I can't be that teacher that has a website updated that has every PowerPoint slide and lesson plan posted since the first day of school so that if you are absent you know that you missed how to memorize the quadratic function without even coming to class.

But I will make kick ass videos and post them on Google Classroom so you can get direct instruction from me and go at your own pace and makes you feel like I am right there with you even when I'm not.

I can't be that teacher that gives you a 20 page review guide for a test. That doesn't teach you how to independently learn and own your learning.

But I will give you opportunities to continue to show your mastery and process of learning and not average your tests. Instead I will override your previous scores to reflect your current understanding. And this takes time and effort, but I believe the effort is worth it.

I can't be that teacher that never lets you fail.

But I will create the best and safest environment to fail in so that you don't stay in that place and you want to learn and grow.

I can't be that teacher that wears heals and skirts everyday and looks like I am going to a business meeting downtown.

But I will have blue hair and wear my boot cuffs as knee warmers and crazy leggings and sparkly Converse and laugh and laugh about how silly I am.

I can't be that teacher that goes home and grades your unit tests the day you take them and give them to you the next day.

But I can invest in my own kids when I go home after school and know that that makes me a better teacher the next day.

I can't be that teacher that has a planner that is organized in the way that teacher school taught us.

But again...I will give you my heart and energy and best everyday when I walk in the classroom. And when the end of the day comes you will know that you got my heart, my spirit, and that I love being a teacher and I will do it again the next day and the next day. Because teaching is fluid and I love that it creates the gift of revising and editing and trying new things. And I will keep trying new things and because of that sometimes you might just look at me with that look on your face wondering what the heck?! And we will grow together through it all.

Yep, that is who I will be. And we will both be the better for it.

#19 E...Entrust Again

I wrote this ealier this year and I think its time to go there again...

Holy Smokes.

Lots of trusting is happening around here.

I thought when I journaled back on January 24th I had some growing to do. Today I have more trusting to do than I did before. But I think that's what this life is. MORE. Depth. Growing. Process. All in. That's what we all want right? Just not the pain to get there. That's what Donald Miller says so eloquently in Million Miles in A Thousand Years. I'm just in the straight up application of it right now.

So here we go. Again. With depth.

To entrust that..

This whole basketball club team will work out for Aidan. And it will be good. And we can still go to Disney and Fort and travel. 
 
To entrust that..

Summer. That in itself is my greatest fear and struggle right now.

To entrust that..

My job. Hot diggie dog. That's all I can say. This is a biggie. This is a "God what are you seriously up to?!"

To entrust that..

Someday we can sell the house and travel and have a sailboat and live simply.
 
To entrust that..

We are molding and shaping our boys into Godly men and that sacrifice is what it is all about right now. And that joy is what is all about. 

To entrust that..

God has it. Whatever my it is...my need for new vibrams, desire to run, wanting to live less selfishly but then struggling when that becomes a reality...

To entrust all of it. Not just my todays and yesterdays but my tomorrows. Yikes.But one thing I know for sure you can't entrust your life to somebody you don't know. So God help me know you in all this. Relationship and entrust go hand and hand.

Depth. More.

That was January...So on this November day what do I have to entrust? Probably more than I know...

Here it goes...

To entrust that...
Time for what matters will always be there. Time to play. Time to rest. Time to get it done.

To entrust that...
Jeremy and I will sail the ocean sooner than later. 

To entrust that...
Micah will grow and grow and soar in school. Not because we care for the sake of numbers or grades or test scores...but because I want to prepare him for every opportunity that comes his way. 

To entrust that...

All of this crap will get prepped, graded, and posted. It always does.

To entrust that...

My shoulder will heal completely and I will swim Alcatraz.

To entrust that...

My birthday celebrations will be just that...celebrations. 

To entrust that...

It will always all get done. The laundry, the grocery shopping, the cleaning. And then I will have to do it again. Because that is life and that is awesome that it is never done because those piles are the reminders that we are living the length and depth of life. We are going to the gym, we are wearing out our shoes, we are eating the food, and we are living a full and blessed life. Every day the piles at the end of the day indicate that. See it as a gift. 

#18" E Not busy...full.

If I was to write a Facebook post it would be about how I'm coloring and listening to a podcast not because I have nothing else to do but because I have so much to do I have to do something else to get to a point of desire of passion....of life. So I read this and this is my hope to life more fully. Not busy but full.

Maybe some small piece will awaken a part of your story in a manner that helps you breathe a little easier, love a little more openly, or live a little more fully.

Yep that. That is how I want to live my story...my word...my life more.

#17 E Trust, Rocks, and Ice-Cream

So yesterday Aidan was driving me crazy. Crazy. Like he was negative and complaining and jealous that his brother got a new iPhone. So...

I did the opposite. I spent time with him instead of pushing him away.

I threw him in the car and drove to Chatfield. Knowing the whole time that I was going to buy him treats and just give him grace. But I didn't know how or when.

I just knew that I wanted good things for him.

And I got a really cool glimpse of how Jesus feels as our parent. I saw that He draws us in. Not because we deserve it. Not because we are fun to be around. Sometimes it is just because there is such deep love that you do the opposite. You give grace instead of advice. You spend time together instead of pulling away. You listen instead of speak. You buy ice cream instead of nothing. You give and in return you are so so blessed.

And I got to throw some rocks and hang out at the lake as a bonus. But that's another story. This story reminded me that Christ came when He didn't have to. He gave when He would have rather not. (I mean I know He is Jesus...but seriously who wants to give to spoiled crabby ungrateful not fun to be with kids?)

The opposite. That's what Christ did and so that's what we should do too.

#16 "E" Gain and Loss

I am losing it. As in my water bottle, my headset, tests, sleep...and perspective.

And right now it's time to reflect on what I haven't lost and what I've gained recently.

New. New experiences.

I have swam hard again. I forgot what it was like to really push myself and in that I found it's not about comparing myself to others. And it's not even about comparing myself to myself. It's not a competition anymore. It's about investing in who I want to be and knowing that this is part of it.

I have gone to band night and back to school events at Powderhorn and known nobody because Micah is in a new school and we are starting from scratch. And knowing that if I am uncomfortable how much more is he. And he goes every day. And he tries. And he is more honest about his learning than ever before. And it's hard but the hard is what is making it the awesome. I don't think we can have one without the other.

I have 152 new students. Students to learn and grow and get to know me and me get to know them. New. New routines, new schedules, new parents, new names. And they have been entrusted to me...and so that means I need to care for them...just like new babies need care. They need me to care not be ticked today when they go to the wrong tables or don't listen.

New ways to share space and time together. New memories and experiences with Faith and Asher. And if I don't stop and invest I will miss it. I need to make time to invest.

15 "E" Bedtime tickles

Sometimes all you have to post is that tonight before bed Aidan tickled me and giggled and giggled. Love that silly 12 year old boy.

14 "E" Around Here

SIMPLIFYING| Trying to teach with less steps. Trying to have one spot for stuff. Trying to realize that it is less about cute binders and cute boxes or notebooks and more about just finding what works and going with it.  

LISTENING| To podcasts. Because I realize I have a lot of time in my brain in my "in-between" times and I want to fill it with that which renews and refreshes. Sometimes it is quiet. Sometimes it is music. Sometimes it is just listening...and I think Pocasts are the way that I can sharpen my listening in a way that I want to become.


WISHING| That the pool was open more. Going back to school schedule has been tough in this and I need to decide does that mean I go in the morning or does it mean I go at night? But knowing that I need to invest in this because being in the water is essential to my being.

INVESTING| In the heart of life. My boys. My marriage. My niece and nephew. My heart...both physically and emotionally. My soul. In what matters a little more all the time.

PURCHASING | Very little. Because we are in major disciple mode after living it up for the summer. We are in "let's go to Del Taco and get $0.69 taco life" And going to the grocery store and putting stuff back because we literary only brought $23 and that's what was left in groceries. AND IT IS OK. It means the chocolate almond milk can wait. It means chips can wait. And instead you buy flour and broccoli and it is this awesome reminder of how to truly invest in what matters...even/especially in your health. Way cool.

READING | So much at once. Living with a Seal, Chasing Water, magazines, websites, emails, texts, info from teachers, "how-to's so I can learn new...like making videos and link parents to my Google Classroom. And being ok that I can only do so much at once and sometimes you just get the big idea of stuff and that is ok. Not every book has to be finished...not every idea has to be put into action .

FINDING | That I can still "be" even when it is just for 15 minutes or for windows of time. Finding that it is ok to play with pictures and invest in what refuels me at night and not just wait till the weekend.


GIVING THANKS |  Because if I don't I will lose it. I will lose perspective. I will lose heart. I will forget that this life is full of gifts and I will get covered in poop (literally) and I will get mad that I have to cook and clean and share my space and my right to peace and quiet and...yeah all that. The yuck of our hearts that we need to cleanse because no matter how much we want to act and BE a certain way we still struggle with the real right in front of us. 

So here are a few of the things I am thankful for...

Walks. Walks at night and time to process. Running. Waking up early to run and saying this is what we always were excited to do in life. Swimming. Always. Enough said. Coloring, and that Faith had so much fun doing it with me and looked forward to it for days. Legos. Because my boys have such amazing ideas and invest their time there. Peace and Quiet. Because if if is is rare it still happens and it is not something I take for granted. Like waking up at 4:30 because I can't sleep and seeing that as a gift rather than a curse. Coffee and wine. Because sometimes these are just the things that bring routine and a certain cycle of waking up and winding down. Both good. Micah's new school and both days that he gets paws and days that he does not. So much learning going on. And sometimes the hard brings the most growth and reward. Hope. So much hope right now. Seasons. Because with them holds the beauty of embracing what is in front of you and also the gift of looking back.

13 "E" Rolling in the grass

Time to have fun again. That's the reminder I needed tonight.

Watching Micah dance and roll in the grass while I sat at the fire and just breathed for the first time all week...that was what I saw...I saw a boy that reminded me of the summer mom who rolls in the grass, dances till her feet are filthy, and swims any chance she can. I lost that this week when I became work mom again. I lost it when I need it more than ever.

Don't give that up. It's more important now.Fight for it. Seek it. Whatever you do...don't forget what is important. Heart. Fun. Soul. Breathe. Swim. Dance. Roll in the grass.

Don't forget.

#12 "E" Emojis

It was exactly 2 years ago today that I posted about my boys helping in my classroom and what a jerk I was. And I am so glad I did because it was enough to remind me this weekend that I didn't want the same memory again when Micah helped me this weekend.

So when he wanted to cut up the Emojis and hang them everywhere randomly I said yes. When he wanted to post the welcome back the way he wanted I said yes. When he wanted to stop and eat lunch I said yes. When he did the numbers for the tables I gladly took his help.

Because it's not really about when stuff is stapled anyway. In a few months or days none of it will matter...but man how people feel in that process makes all the difference in the world. And you know what he said when we left?

"Thank you mommy for bringing me to your classroom".

And that was the memory I wanted to make. So glad that I can remember what it is really about and make Emoji memories instead.

# 11 "E" All in.

Dang I'm a sucker. I cried today. Actually cried on my way home from the library with the boys. I put my hand on Aidan's shoulder and said "buddy I love you, I'm going to miss you" and I know he didn't think much of it...but it was enough for me just to cry...both sadness and joy at the same time. And that is honestly how I want to live.

Knowing that I have been ALL IN.

And because of that it's going to be harder to be gone again. Every summer I feel like my boys are more and more my buddies and not just these people I have to take care of. They play basketball with me. They watch movies with me. We swim. We tread water (literally). We swim some more. We travel. We go for walks. We go to Sonic. We paint Legos. We get frustrated with each other. We just do life together and it is so so what I want it to be.  And I'm so glad it makes me cry when I have to go back to time without them. Because if I didn't it would mean that I didn't give it my all. And that means a lot more is at stake. Nobody cares if their heart isn't it in. Mine is.

And do my challenge to myself is what should I give more of to so I can cry more when it's gone? That's a gut challenge right there. No more messing around. Let's be ALL IN.

#10 "E" Do I say more?

On August 9th of 2016 I posted that there was 23 hours and 50 minutes till I go back to work. And now it's another summer of lessons learned and there is always more to say...

It's August  10th at 12:10 am in the morning and I can't sleep. I have 55 hours and 48 minutes until I have to go back and every time I face this moment I realize the gift that time is. Whether it is is 10 minutes or 24 hours. Or 6 days or 3 years. It's all a gift.

Do I say that summer reminds me of how to listen in life? To others...to myself and to God. It reminds me that listening isn't on accident. You can hear and not listen. You can listen and still not respond. This summer was about listening more than ever. Sometimes into all hours of the night with people that I rarely get that gift with.

Do I say that when I put my kids to bed tonight my heart was sad because I knew they were in summer mode and I was just frustrated that they were up late and their rooms were messy and I didn't get to end well with them? Or do I say that I went in after they were sleeping because I knew I wanted them to wake up to something different and the reminder that every day is a new day and so I left notes for them that reminded them...but more importantly reminded me what was important.

Do I say that singing to my boys in the camper in Nebraska when they were going to sleep was one of the best mom moments I have had in life?

Do I say that my dance birthday party was just what I needed and I wish I could dance like that all the time?

Do I say that buying a sailboat and planning for the Keys is just what we need to keep our dreams alive and to have something all year long that feels like summer?

Do I say that watching my boys play with their cousins this summer shows me what incredible kids they are? Day after day I see it more and more and feel blessed.

Do I say that there are moments  with Jeremy like camping in Iowa, and going to Melting Pot, and being outside at the farm at night that are just magical and there is no way you can plan them? You just know when you are in the middle of one of them and you take it for the gift it is?

Do I say that losing my memos in my phone was a reminder of how temporary life is and sometimes you accept that you can't fix something and you find out it is ok anyway?

Do I say that coming back in August and trying to live summer life when you decide to crunch the budget just reminds you how spoiled you are in life and how much you still need to grow up even when you are 39?

Do I say that moments like swimming across the lake with Beau and he stops to tell me how much he appreciated what Jeremy and I did for him remind me that you never know what impact you have in someone's life?

Do I say that staying up late and talking to Sara and letting her trust me with her heart was healing that I never expected?

Do I say that going to lab and writing Carely a message with sticks was one silly happy memory that I hope I have more of in life?

Do I say that summer isn't summer without Fort and I don't care how old our kids are we are going to make family camp happen as long as we can in life?

Do I say that reminding Nate that day at lunch that he was focusing on what he didn't have instead of what he did have was the reminder that I probably need more than I know?

Do I say that painting Aidan's Lego this morning and the joy that it gave him reminded me of the the joy that comes from investing in the little things that are so so important in life?

Do I say that sitting at Bobby's funeral with the boys and having them put their heads on my shoulder reminded me of that my time with them isn't forever and I only have them by my side for shorter than I know?

Do I say that I love sleeping in my camper and could care less about my giant house will pretty much always be how I roll and I can't wait until that is my life all the time?

Do I say that sitting out in the sailboat and having root beer floats with Crick and Mindy and talking about life was the reminder to be present no matter where you are?

Do I say that going on Thunder Mountain with Faith was such a sweet, sweet, memory for so many reasons that nobody will understand except me?

Do I say that I can never swim enough? That swimming across Spider Lake will always be one of my favorite things and I hope I can do it until I'm 80?

Do I say that when the end of summer comes I'm always in this place of wishing I could have more days but also knowing that my job is good and I can thrive if I choose? Especially if I can remember how to invest in what matters when the school year comes?

Do I say that this summer I didn't worry at all about who to hang out with when we were home because the answer was just Jenn, Audrey, Daniel, Mindy, Faith, and Asher?

Do I say that you go boogie boarding even when it's freezing because I love it just that much?

Do I say that going to California and being with family was the perfect start to the summer of family?

Do I say that if we would have gone on our 20th anniversary trip that we had planned on we would have missed out on night with Micah that was crazy special and we wouldn't have a boat in our garage right now?

Do I say that if we sell our camper I will cry but I know it is the right thing to do anyway?

Do I say that going to Grandma Betty's is the reminder to be present with who you are with and I hope I give that gift to my grandchildren someday?

Do I say that going to the water-ski show in Rhinelander was silly but the perfect thing to do when in Rhinelander?

Do I say that going to Noah's Ark with the boys and having them do everything with us showed me how incredibly grown up they are and made me enjoy it all the more because it is the reminder that they aren't going to be little and with us forever?

Do I say that the night that we went to Walmart and got food and cooked in the camper instead of going out was an example of how much my husband loves me?

Do I say that I love that summer shows me how to life deep and I wish I knew how to do that more all year long?

Do I say that I want to wake up tomorrow and be present with my boys because that is the best thing I can do for them and for me?

Do I say that I remember reading Kisses from Katie and feeling like I totally got why we didn't get to go be on staff at Fort this summer because it was our "fundraising time"? And I totally accepted in not just in words but in my heart. 

Do I say that I love being outside and I need to find a way to bring that into my school life more in some way?

Do I say that I am always scared to go back to work? Not because I don't think I will remember how to teach or be overwhelmed but because I am afraid I will forget all that I learn in the summer and forget how to invest in what matters?

Do I say that I wish I could just be on the road all the time and I wonder why that is such a part of me rather than being at home?

Do I say that I wish I didn't love wine and chips and hummus so much (stole that one from last year ::)?

Do I say that I know that taking Aidan to the gym to play basketball isn't about playing basketball as much as it is about teaching him about life and how to have grit? Both physically and mentally. And I feel privileged to get to do that with him.

Do I say that I love to do the rock-wall at the gym and I feel like every time I am up there I am thinking about how it relates to life? And even though I don't let myself fail very often I am getting better at both letting go and holding on all the same time and that totally makes sense to me.

Do I say that waking up in the morning and having all these people in your house is both easy and hard at the same time? And I am growing every day in how to not just be in neutral but in a plus one mindset.

Do I say that inviting people to live with you isn't just about sharing space but it is about cleaning up after yourself when you normally wouldn't?  Because that is part of the deal that even though it isn't spoken it is showing that you care and that your space is shared and not just yours? And realizing it isn't about rights but it is about giving, because you get to this point when you choose to do not what is fair but what is part of the whole.

Do I say that I know more every day that life is a privledge and time is a gift?

Or do I just say thank you to the One who has entrusted me with this incredibly awesome life that I get to do each day whether it is filled with plans or is open...whether it is May 20th or August 10th...whether I wake up and put on my swimsuit or wake up and get dressed for work.

It. Is. All. A. Gift.

Is there more to say than that? I hope I can say that day after day, year after year.

Present and gift. Synonyms. Pretty sure there is a reason for that. Do I say I hope that I can be present for the next 9 months?  Time is a gift entrusted to me.

Happy Summer 2016.
Entrust. Yep that.

#9 "E" Superglue, sunglasses, and lost memos.

Today is not yesterday.

That is probably the most profound thing I learned about life in the last 24 hours.

Yesterday Micah broke his sunglasses...again.

Yesterday Micah ruined his favorite Star Wars shirt and shorts with Superglue in the back of the car while I saw him in the rear view mirror and almost lost a lung. Yes...I wasn't happy is an understatement.

Yesterday Aidan got grounded for constantly talking back and being entitled.

Yesterday my phone factory reset. OUT OF NOWHERE and I lost all my memos of brainstorming and summer memories.

Yesterday was not my best parenting or patience or acceptance of what was thrown at me.

But today.

Today us not yesterday and that is my favorite thing about life. Each day is a "factory reset" and sometimes we need those more than we know.

Today I made a Disneyland book with Audrey.

Today I shopped for Coca-Cola shirts with Micah.

Today Micah wore Jeremy's sunglasses around like he was king of the world and very carefully put them in the case each time.

Today Aidan took care of his cousins with the biggest heart I have ever seen.

Today I went out to dinner with Jeremy for chips and guac and Blue Moon.

Today I sang "Blind Man" to both my boys when they went to bed. And the truth of the words "I am the way...I am the truth...I am the light...the way to go home" are true for both my yesterday's and my todays...and my tomorrows.

Tomorrow might have more sunglasses lost, tomorrow my phone might just burst into flames, tomorrow I might have to face ungrateful kids. But that's ok.

It's OK because each day is a gift. Each day has moments that make you just want to cry and moments that melt your heart. Because you know what I didn't say about yesterday...the blessings it held. The going hiking with Aidan, going to breakfast with Stephanie, swimming with Crysti, picking out tile with Jeremy, Micah going to vbs at Faith Mountain even though he was tear stained on his ride there.

Every day is filled with the words from "Blind Man" or as Micah calls it "the truth song".

The truth is this life is only temporary and we live so differently. We live as if broken sunglasses and superglue really matter. And they don't. The truth is our life has so much energy put into what doesn't matter that I'm embarrassed. And so this is my reminder to "factory reboot" on that which does matter. Others. That is what I want left on my phone when everything else is lost. That's what I want "backed up".

Yesterday and today...and tomorrow. Yep.

8 "E" Happy Anniversay from Micah our Waiter

This kid is something else. The gift he is in our lives never shined more than tonight. Story goes...

We just got back from Disney. Aidan was at Summer Slam for the night. And truly we are blessed and go out to dinner all the time lately now that our kids can stay home alone. We go to Macaroni Grill and Wing Stop and Cheesecake Factory way more than we should. And we are going to go big next year for our 21st anniversary because this year...well we just knew we needed to give it up and do something else. Something simpler.  Little did we know that if we would have gone to the Keys this year we would have missed out on this. I wouldn't have had a little boy go swimming with me and ask me what we are doing for our anniversary and then offer up to make us dinner with everything he knew how to do. He started listing all the things he could cook...tortillas, mashed potatoes, corn on the cob, shakes, hummus. And then he got to work. He made a menu and he started making it a magical night for us.


And these are all the thoughtful things he did:

• Set the table the night before
• Made Name Cards for both of us
• Made a name card for himself and a paper tie
• Created "Micah Questions" that we discussed during dinner
• Put out pictures of us from our wedding and our vows
• Found our favorite seashells as a centerpiece
• Brought down his stereo speaker and played Phineas and Ferb "Happy Anniversary" 
• Played music after dinner to dance to
• Took our order on his notepad
• Created a special menu printed out
• Cooked us...mashed potatoes, corn on the cob, tortillas and refried beans
• Called us Sir and Miss during the whole meal
• Brought down his piano and played music for us  (the 3 notes he knew ;))
• Made sure everything was done ahead of time so we didn't have to get up during the meal
• Checked on us during the meal and refilled our water and wine
• Sat and ate dinner with us after we had eaten ours
• Cleaned up in the kitchen afterwards
• Made us coffee when we woke up in the morning
• Told me I didn't have to take the garbage out and that he would do it for me..."it's your anniversary" he explained

#7 "E" The hardest

Had the hardest conversation with Aidan last Sunday night that I have ever had since becoming a mom. And I thought by writing about it I could process it more...but nothing is coming to mind.

It hurt.
It was hard.
It was like taking something that was completely healed and ripping it open again.
And it was all because he didn't get me anything for mother's day. Not a card. Not a gift. Just asked over and over if he could play baseball. He was all about himself and it hurt.

What is that about? It so wasn't fair. It brought up my own reminders of how self-absorbed I was when I was 17 only to find out the next day I wouldn't have any more Mother's Day to celebrate.

Mother's Day from 1995 till 2004 was never a celebration. And then this stinker was born. And I loved it. I loved that I could start to heal. And I did.

So much so that the night before Mother's Day I told Jeremy how easy this year had been for me...in a good way.

Till the next day hit and hit hard.He didn't get it. And he won't for a long time. And that is ok.

I didn't and sometimes I still don't. Sometimes I'm still that selfish 17 year old that only thinks about herself. That's why this is so hard.

Your kids remind you that you are human. And that is ok too. Even if it's hard and healing has to start again.

I love him and if there is one thing I know it is that there will be more Mother's Days. And they will bring more healing and maybe more hurt. But that is part of the wholeness and the gift that life is.

It isn't about Mother's Day in 1995 or Mother's Day in 2016...sometimes it is about Mother's day 2004 and all of these in-between. And that is something I know. I trust.

"6" "Dang"

Entrust.

It seemed like a good idea on January 1st. But on April 23rd it came to a whole new level. That's all I can say for now but it just gave me the confirmation I needed to know that God's timing in life isn't an accident. I need to know that I didn't accidentally stumble on a website this morning reminding me of dreams and hopes.

So the next steps will show if my word is just a fun post I put on Facebook or the way I really want to life.

Dang.

I should have chose "play" or "rest" or some easy word to live for the year. But no...that's not how I do stuff. Instead it has to be these words that actually transform me and years later I know that God was up to something not just in the year I'm in but the ones before and the ones after.

Entrust. Seriously Rach? Seriously God?

Dang. Giddie up.

"5" To What Degree Should I freak out?

Irony. I'm sitting here waiting in the airport after scrambling like crazy for the last 3 days to get to this point. I have watched Fixer Upper. I have ate my lasgana. And if it wasn't for needing to charge my computer I would be sitting and having a beer.

But instead I am in some hallway using a charger and just being. Just being for the first time in way too long. Just being instead of grading or maximizing or doing something I don't really want to do but do anyway. 

And my favorite point of all of this was when I talked to Denise last night and my first word to her was "I'm trying to figure out to what degree I should freak out" and her response was "None...you shouldn't have any degree of freak out". Oh yeah right...so 34% isn't the right response?

We thrive in that place though. We thrive in being overwhelmed and trying to get it all done. Or do we? Not only has this week taught me the huge amount I take on every week but how to waste time by watching Fixer Upper or coloring. Yep. That's right I just wrote waste I learned how to waste time better this week, by doing what I really want to do.

I want to write more so I am right now.
I want to create more so when I have pockets of time I am.
I want to unwind before 10 pm at night so I am.

And you know what? I am finding that when I do more of life intentionally I do less of life unintentionally. Obviously. But yet so essential to who I want to be.

And so I am inspired  to open up my computer and write instead of consume. It inspired me to think about my ideal day. So here it goes...love that the when doesn't matter.

• Home/Health 
• 8 hours of good healthy sleep
• No plastic food mindlessly.
• 45 minutes of active/Some with others some with myself
• After school snack shake
• Dinner intentionally
• Running or walking with Jeremy for 30 minutes (usually at night)

• Boys/Quality Time
• Growing my boys through reading, doing homework, intentional projects
• Bedtime Micah-10 minutes
• Beditme  Aidan-10 minutes
• Spirit
• 20 minutes of scrapbooking, journaling or creating alone. 
• Watching a series or movie with Jeremy or talking before bed

• Work-
• Teaching/During teaching hours
• 20 Minutes prep/grading  uninterrupted-
• 15 minutes collaborating

#4 "E" Hot Diggie Dog..

Holy Smokes.

Lots of trusting is happening around here.

I thought when I journaled back on January 24th I had some growing to do. Today I have more trusting to do than I did before. But I think that's what this life is. MORE. Depth. Growing. Process. All in. That's what we all want right? Just not the pain to get there. That's what Donald Miller says so eloquently in Million Miles in A Thousand Years. I'm just in the straight up application of it right now.

So here we go. Again. With depth.

To entrust that..

This whole basketball club team will work out for Aidan. And it will be good. And we can still go to Disney and Fort and travel. 
 
To entrust that..

Summer. That in itself is my greatest fear and struggle right now.

To entrust that..

My job. Hot diggie dog. That's all I can say. This is a biggie. This is a "God what are you seriously up to?!"

 To entrust that..

Someday we can sell the house and travel and have a sailboat and live simply.

 
To entrust that..

We are molding and shaping our boys into Godly men and that sacrifice is what it is all about right now. And that joy is what is all about. 

To entrust that..

God has it. Whatever my it is...my need for new vibrams, desire to run, wanting to live less selfishly but then struggling when that becomes a reality...

To entrust all of it. Not just my todays and yesterdays but my tomorrows. Yikes.But one thing I know for sure you can't entrust your life to somebody you don't know. So God help me know you in all this. Relationship and entrust go hand and hand.

Depth. More.

# 4 "E" Fast Forward

One week later. 7 days. 168 hours. 10, 080 minutes.

Totally different story.

Yep, that's how God works and that is why we need to hold to his Blessings in the 10,079 minutes that we don't want to.

Aidan got his day with the Cougars.

Aidan got lifted up in the Locker Room.

Aidan smiled bigger than ever before.

Aidan's story wasn't about February 5th, 2016. It wasn't even about February 12, 2016.

It still continues. Sometimes we rewind, sometimes we pause, and sometimes we wish we could fast forward. But it's all part of a great and awesome story that our Storyteller continues to create.

Totally.

#3 "E" The Birthday Brat in all of us

Birthdays.

I love them. And yet they bring all these expectations and all of these plans that grow you and teach you more than you ever knew. I hope I can always keep learning from my kids, because their stories grow me when I reflect.. And yesterday's Birthday story was a tough one...

February 5th, Aidan's Birthday. And when he woke up it didn't matter that he got to go to a Nuggets game weeks before as his big gift, it didn't matter that he got to get Little Ceasers and it's already packed in his lunch ready to go, it didn't matter that cinnamon rolls were in the oven, it didn't matter that  I wrote him a big long letter about how special he is, it didn't matter that he gets to sit on the bench with CCU next weekend...what was tough is that he woke up and it wasn't what he expected. He expected to get Instagram and a different gift from Micah.

And before we jump to conclusions and judge what a spoiled brat he is, let's all look at our own lives and our own expectations. Because I'm pretty sure I act like that a lot, and not just on my birthday. On a lot of days I look at the two things that didn't go my way instead of the long list of all the gifts and blessings I have in life. And I think that nobody cares what is important to me when exactly the opposite is true. Just like for Aidan sitting on the bench with CCU is a gift that means more than any book or toy will mean. But it wasn't happening on the day of his Birthday and so he felt like we all feel...let down.

Dang.

When you see your kids act this way you can so easily see the foolishness to their thinking. But what about when we act this way? Can we see the foolishness in the moment or do we have to throw a temper tantrum first?

Fast forward.

Stories don't end in the beginning. And so Aidan's 12th birthday is a story that had a few bumps and tears but ended with a little boy (I'm still taller than him...) getting tucked in, giggling, feeling loved...not because he got what he expected but because he truly is loved by those around him. His locker was decorated by his friends. He got to go to Thomas' basketball game and get Sonic for dinner. He got to watch CCU's basketball game via video. He got more than he expected and he remember what he forgot when he woke up. It isn't about what happens on one day or what you don't get but rather it's about embracing it all.

 And we got to sing campfire songs together as he went to bed and he knew what he forgot when he woke up that morning...birthday boys are loved. No matter what.

And so are we. 

2 "E" To Entrust That...

Sunday nights are killing me.

Pretty sure I'm my own worst enemy in this area because I have this crazy idea that if I get everything done then I can have time to play for the rest of time.

Yeah, that's the problem right there. By me sitting here write typing this I am making more laundry. By me sitting here right now time is passing and that means in another week more will have to be done...more grading, more planning, more grocery shopping, more everything.

So what's the answer and why do I get to this point of the weekend and am always disappointed? I want to grow in this. I want to stop in the middle of this and choose differently. Not because everything is done for the week (which amazingly is actually almost true)...but because my heart is different and the steps that I took to get stuff done are different.

Which is why I am sitting here right now typing this. Because this is the first step to entrust.

To entrust that...

Aidan's birthday is going to work out just great even though the plan isn't in place yet.
To entrust that...

I still will get a run in tonight and the kids will get put to bed and their lunches will be made and I will make sure they feel loved in the "doing" of  life. 

To entrust that...

Aidan's school for next year and the next and the next...is all in God's hands. He knows. He has taken him this far and wants even better for him than I do. 

And for my Micah too. He knows. He knows that he doesn't spell great and hates to read but that he has a heart of gold and that is going to give him more success than any chapter book will.

To entrust that...

I will have a kick butt vacation this summer no matter where we go and how much we go. (I really don't entrust that yet but I will and typing it is the first step...)

To entrust that...

 When Crick, Mindy, Faith, and Asher move in it is going to be good. And that is all that matters. Not rooms complete or rules for leftovers...just good because we are together. 

To entrust that...

 God knows our desire for community and will meet that.

To entrust that...
  
I will get more epi pens for Micah even though paying for them year after year isn't fair. It is a reminder of God's provision and protection in his life.

To entrust that...

These aren't just words I type or entrust to some random chance but are entrusted...put in the care of someone. Entrust means that you transfer trust . Trust transferred from me, trust transferred from my circumstances to the care and protection of God. That kind of trust. The kind you do on purpose.

#1 "E" Entrust

19 days. It's already January 19th and I don't have any amazing thoughts. Instead just like every year it is a process. Day by day...bit by bit.

And this year I already have learned that through the simple story of offering my Starbucks gift cards for the New Year's Eve party and winning them back in Uno.

Yep. That simple, but yet that important.

Let the journey begin.