What I want to remember...
Aidan texting his memories about Scott to Jeremy the instant he heard about Scott dying.
Micah coming out of the bathroom after Scott's funeral and just covered in tears.
Jeremy's story of Scott ringing the bell and McFarlane listening intently knowing that Scott was a kid once too.
Going to the cemetery and putting up the flowers that had fallen on my mom's grave and then going around and doing it for others. And knowing I am not alone. All of those people in the cemetery are people. People that were old. People that were young. People that were somebody's mom, somebody's sister, somebody's son...belonged to somebody. I am not alone.
The power of hope. Going for a walk and knowing that even though it was cold and grey and the buds were barely there they were there. Knowing. Knowing that there is so much more than what you see because you have been in winter before and you know summer always comes. Even if the winter is different; the hope isn't any different.
Playing cards with the messy of family. Me. Beau. Margaret. And Ruth. All brought together through death. A recent one and ones of long ago. Knowing that there is always grace and always healing and it rang out in laughter that night.
Laying with Jeremy after Scott's funeral in Grandpa's basement and just being. And knowing that was all we needed in that moment.
Jeremy holding his boys when they came for the viewing and just sobbing. Being together as a family in grief and having the boys experience daddy hurting.
Remembering when I was in Chicago that doing "the middle" well was important. And when I wasn't doing it well remembering that I need to give grace to them and to myself. Doing the hard stuff together is part of learning grace well.
Sitting down with my kids in Chicago airport and getting out my laptop to email work and telling the boys do as much technology as you want...and realizing you never know what somebody is facing as you walk by then in an airport. Don't judge. Don't forget we all are living a story beyond what meets the eye. We don't know if somebody is trying to make funeral arrangements while we pass them by. Give more grace.
Looking up as seeing Nate at Scott's funeral and knowing that the best thing to do for people is just show up. You don't ask what they need you just show up.
Visiting Grandpa and him saying "I didn't think you would come it's so inconvenient." And realizing in that moment the power of that word. Inconvenient. So much of life is inconvenient. Making sub plans. Traveling. Eating healthy. Just getting out of bed is inconvenient. That is not what drives our decisions. I sure hope not. The longer I live the more I realize that to enjoy something doesn't mean we are in maximum efficiency mode. We are in people mode and that is truly about being inconvenienced.
The simple moment of the boys and me having a smoothie and Lo Mein together at the Chicago airport on the way home and knowing we were almost there.
The thankful heart my boys had when I bought them movies and TV on the airplane.
Watching old reruns to Parenthood instead of feeling like I needed to be productive 24-7.
Growing up in that I wanted to be with Jeremy but he needed me to take care of the boys so he could do and be where he needed to be. That was bigger than I knew but also more necessary than I knew.
Watching silly Mickey Mouse cartoons with Micah in the airplane and laughing about hot dogs and ice cream trucks.
I want to remember the moment in the Chicago airport on the way to Rhinelander when I got hot water to make tea and just let myself feel. Called the airline and they weren't helpful. Called my dad and he was. The comfort of family was what I needed and I let my dad be that for me.
Grace. For me. For my kids. For others. I want to remember to give and get that more.
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