#11 "P" How are you?

How are you doing? I've been asked that question more than ever in the last two weeks and so I have to lean into the fullness of it right now. I didn't even know I needed to figure this out until I had to hold up on my fingers between 1-10 how I was and I realized I had to be ok with not being a 10. Because I find a lot of pride in being a 10. I find a lot of pride in being strong and finding the good and joy in everyday. And I still can, but I can do it when I am a 4 too. It is ok. That permission isn't one I have learned in life and so I am learning it at 40 a little bit more...

I am sore from shoveling yesterday.

I am excited that I get to meet baby Kate.

I am super happy we won the kickball tournament. Silly but true.

I am heartbroken that teens lose hope and end their lives, and shock a community. I wonder how can they feel just enough hope to hold on? What more can we do and how?

I am thankful for a weekend with my family to rest and work and be together.

I am sick of having to figure out grocery shopping and meals and planning and wish it would just magically appear done in my life.

I am angry at the kids that tear down other kids. Especially when it comes to sports and team placement and trying to determine other people's worth.

I am sad that I didn't listen to Grandpa Goossen more this summer when I was with him, because we always assume there will be more time to do that, and then you get the unexpected phone call that someone has died. And it is so real that you can't take it for granted.

I am happy that I stopped at Grandpa's house with Micah when we went biking and took time to invest in saying hello.

I am missing being outside. I always can't get enough of this.

I am sad that Jenn is moving. I haven't let this be real yet, but soon it will be. I am sad for Jeremy and sad for my boys. I am sad that we don't have family near us after this.

I am scared that I am going to get old and look back and have regrets. I want to be honest and real now about what I want life to be and go after that...not with my career or goals but with my dreams and with the people that I care about.

I am figuring out how to be a student and a teacher and a mom and a wife. Always, always, important.

I am missing teaching my college class, even though it makes space for other things in my life and gives me a night back with my family. It was my creation and my ideas and I was really good at it. But I am trusting it will come back again when the time is right.

I am wondering how to do stay healthy for the long haul. I know it is more than going out and pushing your body, just the opposite actually. It is more yoga and walking and investment in how I want to be at 60, not just today. But where does running and swimming and other movement fit in there? I am wondering how to look at the whole a little more.

I am wishing that I had more time for slow. I am coming up for air and trying to learn to rest before work, but wow is it sometimes crazy scary to wonder how it will all get done. But it does, and then it reaffirms that trust is the right choice.

Trust. That's the best answer right now. I am trusting. Trusting God, trusting my husband, trusting my family, trusting my co-workers, and trusting the process. I am realizing that I don't have to be just one thing or hold up my fingers in a meeting and say I am a 10. I can trust that if I say I'm a "4" and start crying, it is okay to show my humanity. I trust that actually makes for me to be more of who God wants me to be.

I don't have to be a 10 everyday. I trust in every season and no matter how I am today doesn't change who God is. Ever. I trust that, I do. And so my answer is...

How are you doing? I am trusting that God is good and I am loved.