“1” Loved

 It’s November 11th, 2023 and I haven’t posted in 3 years. And what a ride those 3 years have been. 

Gift. 

Shalom. 

Thrive. 

Tend. 

And loved. 

Those have been the words I chose but I think I chose them because I thought if I chose the right words life would look and be a certain way. Especially thrive. And I lived in such denial that I thought if I just claimed thrive it would happen when really I learned nobody thrives individually, and when the rest of your family is suffering you surrender and change your word to match your life not the other way around. And so I named it…tend. And that is what the last year has truly been. Tending our hearts and bodies to restore that which was dying. And now those buds continue to peek up and life has so much more spontaneous joy. Like friends coming over and naps on the couch. And hikes in the sunshine. And FaceTime calls. And courage. Courage to stop pretending, to stop fighting and to trust. 

I had stopped trusting. In Jeremy. In God. Oh you wouldn’t have known it from the outside because I still said and did the right things to look like I trusted, but I didn’t. I pulled tighter. I gripped so hard that I suffocated anything that was trying to breathe. And so I surrendered and chose tend. 

I knew this was the word when I heard the song. 

So be the gardener of my heart, tend the soil of my soul
Break up the fallow ground, cut back the overgrown
And I won't shy away, I will let the branches fall
So what You want can stay and what You love can grow